black & white

happy

"jack, grab that bucket."

I was sick all night long again. it was two in the morning and I couldn't keep anything in my stomach.

"do you need a nurse?" he asked, unsure of what to do.
"no, no I'm okay. just get me some water."

he refilled my cup and held it for me while I drank. we were both exhausted.
"jack, I'm so sorry. you should be at home asleep," I said. I felt bad that he'd been awake with me all night.
"no, I'm not leaving you. I'm going to help you through this, I promise," he muttered, almost falling asleep on his feet.
"jack, lie down." I grabbed his hands and pulled him down onto the bed, taking him into my arms.

I watched him hesitate for a moment, and he laid his hand on my belly, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes.
"jack?"
"yeah?"
"I love you," I cried, holding his head to my chest. I prayed to god I wouldn't be sick again so I could just hold him and rest.
"I love you too, baby," he whimpered.

I think that we were both scared. we held onto each other a little tighter that night.

♤

I was in the hospital for three days, but my condition seemingly worsened instead of improved.

jack took me home with him and he cared for me, and we started to make a plan. I'd get out of the lease on my apartment and move in with him, and I would quietly resign from third man records with jack's help; I didn't need the stress from my coworkers and I was too sick to be working full time.

jack had finished touring for the year so he could be with me.
"do you need anything, baby?" he asked me.
"some ice for my head, please." my concussion persisted.

he laid a cold compress across my forehead to ease my headache. he held my hands in his and sat down on the bed beside me. at the very least, my morning sickness had eased. but my memory had been shaky and I'd forgotten that I was pregnant a time or two. at one point I'd forgotten jack's name; he was very worried about me.

"what are the kids's names?"
"scarlett and henry."
"that's right. what's our baby's name going to be?"
"am I really supposed to know that one?" I asked, anxious.
he chuckled a little. "no, I was messing with you that time. it was really just a reminder that you're pregnant. you've been forgetting."
"I know," I shrugged. "jack, I'm afraid."

"why?" he asked, concerned.
"I don't know. I just am. I wasn't ready for this."
"I know you weren't. I'm sorry."
"my head hurts."
"let's be quiet for a while then."
he laid down beside me and held me, but there was a distance between us.
"jack?"
"yeah?"
"just because I wasn't ready doesn't mean I'm not happy. I want this baby because it's yours."

"but you had all these plans and ambitions. I feel like I've messed all of that up for you and I feel terrible about it."
"there'll be a time for that. but this is what's happening right now. it wouldn't be happening if it weren't meant to, right? am I making any sense?"
he laughed a little. "jane, I love you. and I'm really happy."
"I love you too."