black & white

play house

"I'm so tired."

"just lie back and relax, baby."
"jack?"
"yeah?"
I hesitated. "never mind."

"no, don't do this again. what were you going to say?"
"do you, um, want a future with me? or am I just here to keep you busy until you find someone else?"
"I had actually planned on marrying you at some point, jane."

my stomach dropped. "are you serious?"
"yeah. I was thinking you'd quit your job, I'd pay for your college, we'd get married, so on, so forth. I love you a lot, jane."

"what if we hate each other in a month?" I asked; I was sleepy and didn't really know what I was saying.
"we won't. at least I won't hate you," he said. "do you think you'll hate me in a month?"
"I don't want to hate you," I whimpered. "please hold me."

he wrapped his arms around me and held me close, and I rested my head on his chest.
"I feel so... vulnerable," I muttered incoherently. I felt strangely exposed, but not physically; he'd seen every aspect of my soul. "jack?"
"yes, jane?"
"I don't know what I'd do if you left me. promise you won't leave."

"where's this coming from, baby?"
"I'm just so attached to you. I try to fight it, I try to tell myself it isn't right, but I can't. I just want you and I don't know why."
"why fight it then? just go with it."

"okay. I'll try," I whimpered, feeling tired again.
"wanna sleep?" he asked.
"yeah."

he kissed my forehead and pulled me close, I closed my eyes and drifted off.

♤

he watched me while I slept. after about six hours he woke me up and told me to drink some water and eat something. when I went to sleep again, he slept too. he took care of me; my collapse had scared him bad.

I woke up to him sleepily kissing me, and I kissed him back. my nose brushed against his and we missed each other's mouths occasionally; it was sleepy and sloppy and perfect.

he pulled me into his arms and cradled me, kissing my forehead.
"jane, I love you. I love you so much," he said, pushing my hair away from my face.
"I love you too," I panted, exhausted from kissing him. "I think I want you."

his eyes lit up. "I want you too."
"make love to me, jack."

he took a breath and he attacked, ridding me of the pajamas I wore and leaving a trail of kisses from my collarbone to the waistband of my panties.

"you're so perfect," he said, pulling off his clothes and spreading my legs apart. he started kissing and biting my inner thighs, making me shudder.  he removed my underwear and slowly went down on me, and it was a shock to my system; I'd never experienced anything like this before.

"jack," I gasped.
I reached for his hair, running my fingers through it and pulling it a little. he pleasured me with his lips for a while before suddenly lifting me off the bed and pinning me to the wall, holding me up by my waist so my feet didn't touch the floor. he took me and loved me aggressively against that wall, and it was terrifying and thrilling at the same time.

"dear god, please don't let me fall," I whimpered.
"I won't," he panted, pressing his forehead to mine. he moved faster, his hands gripping onto my hips, his fingertips surely leaving bruises.

I felt a tight knot growing in my stomach, and I felt like my body had been engulfed by flames.

"jack," I cried out, my voice shaking and its volume rising, "jack!"
I clawed at his back and screamed as I lost myself. he lost himself too, not long after me, and my feet slowly descended to the floor, my knees wobbling.

"bed, please," I muttered, sweaty and breathless. he carefully helped me lie down on the bed and he disappeared to the bathroom for a moment. he came back into the bedroom and picked up his underwear from the floor, his breath smelling of mouthwash.

he sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me for a while, and I scooted closer to him and kissed his arm, and he turned to look at me.
"will you please hold me?" I asked, my voice shaky and tired. he smiled and laid down beside me, taking me into his arms and kissing me with his listerine lips.

"can we take a hot bath together in a little while?" I asked, brushing my nose against his. I wanted to get cleaned up and I wanted him close by.
"sounds like a good idea."

♤

"do your kids know about me?"

we sat together in the tub, and I was rinsing shampoo from my hair. we hadn't spoken about the subject of his children, and the thought had just crossed my mind.
"yeah, they do."
"what do they know?"

"they know that you work at third man records. they know your name. they know that I love you very much and that you're very pretty," he said. "they're ten and eleven. they don't care too much. but scarlett has talked about wanting to meet you."

scarlett was his daughter, the eleven year old; he talked about her all the time. part of me felt excited that she wanted to meet me, but part of it also terrified me; kids liked to ask a lot of questions.

"I get the kids this weekend, you know," he said, casually.
"right," I said. I felt nervous.
"would you like to meet them?"
"sure. I mean, it's as good of a time as any, I guess."

"you can come stay. we can play house while they're there, does that sound good?" he said, laughing a little.
"play house, that's funny," I said, sudsing myself down with a bar of soap.
"it'll be good practice for when we're married," he said.

my stomach was doing somersaults.