black & white

safe

"jack, wake up."

I'd woken up feeling off. I was afraid and I didn't know why.
"what is it, baby?" he asked, barely awake.
"something's wrong," I said, carefully getting up and going into the bathroom.

my heart sank when I saw the blood; I screamed. jack rushed into the bathroom in a panic and saw it too. everything that happened after that was a blur. he carried me to his car and drove me to the hospital.
"I'm losing her, jack. I'm losing her," I repeated over and over in my daze. he didn't say anything. he just held my hand.

I was separated from him when I was taken into the emergency room. I was numb and out of it. I let the doctors do what they needed to do and prepared for the worst. but despite my feelings of doom, I wasn't miscarrying.

my blood pressure was very high from all the stress and I had just ruptured a blood vessel; the baby was completely safe.

jack came into the room that I'd been placed in.
"jane," he said, kissing my forehead.
"she's safe, she's okay," I whimpered; I'd been crying my eyes out and my voice shook.
"I know she is. I love you." he held both of my hands in his, putting me at ease, and we sat together in silence for a few minutes.

"jack, I was so scared."
"I know you were. I was too," he said, laying his hand on my swollen belly. "I've gotten kind of attached to her and I haven't even met her yet."
I laid my hand on top of his. "get in the bed." I wanted him to hold me.
he climbed into the bed and wrapped his arms around me, and I rested my head on his chest.

♤

I stayed in the hospital for two days while my blood pressure stabilized, and jack took me home.

I changed out of my clothes because they smelled like the hospital, and I got exhausted halfway through and just laid on the bed in my underwear for a bit.

jack walked in on me and I screamed.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were undressing," he said, a little embarrassed.
"it's okay, I mean it's not like you haven't seen me naked before," I joked, sitting up.
"well I haven't seen you naked while pregnant yet, so this is a first for me," he joked back.

"it's not exactly a pretty sight," I shrugged, searching for my clean pajamas.
"I beg to differ. come here," he said, sitting down on the bed and gesturing for me to get in his lap.
"no sex, jack. I'm not in the mood and I'm not in any shape to be doing it," I said, reluctantly walking to him.
"I know, I just want you to come here."

I sat in his lap and he wrapped his arms around my waist; his fingertips brushing across my bare skin gave me goosebumps.
"you're so beautiful," he said, bringing my hand up to his lips and kissing it, like he had done when we first met.
"now I beg to differ," I said.

"don't say that, jane. you're gorgeous."
"I don't feel gorgeous. I feel like a beached whale."
"you're tiny, jane. I don't see how you could say that."
"I've put on fifteen pounds. I feel huge."

"stop talking about your weight. you're carrying a baby right now. you're beautiful and that's all there is to it."

I turned around and straddled him, wrapping my arms and legs around him and clinging to him like a child. he kissed my neck and rubbed my back, and made me feel safe like he always did.