black & white

her

"please come home. I don't feel well."

I had called jack at third man records. I was feeling very tired and weak and I didn't feel safe being by myself.

"okay. I'll tell ben I'm leaving and I'll be there in a little while. do you need anything?"
"just you at home."
"I'm on my way now, baby."
"okay," I whimpered. "I love you."
"I love you, too."

he hung up the phone, gathered his things, and he had started towards the door when ben stopped him.
"where are you going?" he asked jack.
"home. jane isn't feeling well and she needs me."
"but we need you here. we have a meeting this afternoon."
"jane is more important to me right now, ben," he said, heading out the door.

♤

I couldn't help but notice that jack seemed a little depressed when he came home.

"what's the matter?" I asked him.
"jane," he hesitated, "I really feel like I've ruined your life."
"what? where's that coming from?"

"ben asked me what had happened to you, so I told him. and when I told him, he asked me what I was thinking, and it just felt like a smack in the face. I didn't mean for this to happen, jane. I know you had big plans. I didn't mean to ruin that for you."

"jack, there will be time for my plans later. I told you that I was okay with this."
"but I just feel so incredibly guilty. I know how tired and sick this has made you. I know it's gotten in the way of everything that you wanted to do. I know that you're young and that you weren't ready for this," he took a deep breath, "jane, if you decide you don't want to keep the baby, I'll be alright with it."

I felt like the air had been knocked out of my lungs when he said this.
"are you saying you don't want her?" I had a hard time getting my words out.
"no, of course not. I'm saying that I'm not going to make you keep it if you don't want to."

"her, jack. not it," I said, losing my composure and starting to cry. "you're making me feel like you don't want her."
"no, jane. I'm not pressuring you to keep her but I'm not pressuring you to give her up, either. I'm just trying to tell you that you have options. if you want her, then I want her too. but if you don't want her, then I'll support you."

I just sat there and cried. I hadn't wanted to talk about it but it wasn't like it hadn't crossed my mind. I loved my baby and wanted to keep her, but at the same time I didn't know if I could be everything she needed; I was so young and I didn't know the first thing about being a parent.

"I want her but I'm scared that I won't be a good mother," I sobbed.
"you'll be a great mother, don't say that," he said, kissing me. "let's just relax right now, okay? you look so tired."
"okay." I wiped my tears away and laid back.

he laid down beside me, making sure that I was comfortable.
"jack?"
"yes, jane?"
"I want her."
"then I want her, too."