black & white

blur

"jack, are you aware of how old jane black is?"

"yes, I'm aware."
"she's just a kid. she graduated high school early and she's taking a gap year to work here before she goes to college for music business studies."
"okay, and?"
"I'm not saying that there's anything going on, but if there is, I really wish it weren't. she's a good kid with a lot of potential and I don't want that to be ruined for her because of some scandal."

"ha, scandal. you're funny, ben."
jack took a sip of his coffee and sat back in his chair.
"I'm serious. she's got a lot going for her and I don't want that to be squandered because of an affair with someone much older than her."

"what are you insinuating?"
"nothing, I'm not insinuating anything."
"that's what I thought."

♤

"jane, please talk to me."
"I'm busy, mr. white." my coworkers and ben were around.
jack took my stationery and pen, writing something down and slipping it to me discreetly before walking away.

"I hate it when you call me that. I'll call you tonight so we can figure everything out. I love you," it read. I quickly put it through the paper shredder so that no one would see it.

♤

the phone rang at three in the morning. I didn't want to answer.

I shrugged, and picked it up just before it would ring for the final time.

"hello?"
"hey jane."
"hey."

"what are you doing?"
"sitting."
"just sitting?"
"I might be thinking a little bit, too."
"what are you thinking about?"

I bit my lip, and took a deep breath. "jack, I don't think I want to do this anymore."
"do what anymore?"
"I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." my heart was racing.
"if this is about ben I swear I'll-"
"it's not about ben. it just isn't right. I'm so young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I just think we should go our separate ways."
"but I love you."
"I'm too young for you to love me, jack." I hung up the phone after that because I felt myself on the verge of tears.

I didn't sleep that night. I stayed awake and cried.

♤

the alarm clock screamed out. it shook me from my stupor, and I blindly reached to the side and turned it off.

I wasn't ready to face the day.

I willed myself out of bed and yanked on my tights, pulled on my dress and crammed my feet into my shoes. I was angry that I had to face him. I loved him with every fiber of my being but I knew that it was wrong for us to be together, and I hated that. part of me even wanted to quit my job if it meant that I could be with him, but then I noticed the unpaid bills lying on my desk, and that thought disappeared from my mind.

♤

"hey jane, you look cute today."

"I look the same as I do every day, why is today different?" I snapped. the girls I worked with were always so condescending.
"geez, did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?"
"geez, are you still talking?"

"jane, be nice," ben called from the other room. I rolled my eyes went back to filing.

♤

I desperately wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but I knew that I had to be stronger than that.

the hours passed one by one, until I saw sunlight coming through the window; another sleepless night.

I struggled to get up and get dressed. I couldn't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I dragged a brush through my hair and shuffled out the door.

♤

jack walked by my desk several times, but he never said a word to me.

I felt strange; like my heart was beating but I wasn't alive. all of the sounds around me had melted into a confusing murmur, and I struggled to keep my vision in focus. I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy, and I felt lightheaded; it slowly became harder and harder to take oxygen into my lungs until I finally fell out of my chair and hit the floor.

"jane!"

"oh my god, is she okay?"

"is there blood?"

I heard voices all around me, but everything was a blur.

"jane, look at me. stay with me." it was him. I faded in and out of consciousness. "you're going to be fine. squeeze my hand if you can hear me."
I used the very last ounce of strength I had to squeeze his hand, and I lost my consciousness one last time, slipping away.