black & white

concussion

"I'm really not feeling well, jack."

I sat on the bathroom floor clutching a glass of ice water; I'd been sick all night.

"maybe it was that mexican food we had last night. I told you that restaurant looked shifty, jane," he said, pulling on his shirt and combing his hair.
"but it was so good, I'd been craving it all day," I said, sipping my water. "I feel disgusting."

"maybe I should call ben and tell him that neither of us are coming in today. I don't think that you should be going to work and I don't want to leave you here alone," he said, helping me stand up.
"are you sure?"
"yeah. you should rest. I'm going to take care of you."
"I love you," I said, kissing him.
"I love you, too."

he helped me into bed and he sat down beside me, picking up the phone on the nightstand and calling ben. when he finished the call he took me into his arms, kissing my forehead and holding me close.

♤

"jack, I need you to go out and buy me a pregnancy test."

my voice shook. my heart pounded in my chest. my mind was racing.

"do you really think you're pregnant?" he asked; he was scared too. we hadn't meant for this to happen, at least not so soon.
"I googled it. I have all the symptoms. I just want to take a test to be sure," I said, trying to relax, but it was no use. "this is really bad, jack."

"just try to stay calm. I'll be right back."

♤

my knees buckled under me when the test came back positive. I hit the floor and saw stars.

jack rushed to my side and dragged me to the bed, checking my head and trying to shake me awake.
"jane, baby, come on now," he said, trying to hold it together.
"I think I hit my head, jack," I whimpered. my head was throbbing.
"I'm calling an ambulance." jack's voice sounded far away, and my consciousness was stolen from me not long after that.

♤

"she's 12 weeks along..."

"...she just needs to rest and she'll be fine..."

"...she does have a concussion, but the baby is alright."

I woke up in a crowded room. two doctors, three nurses, and no sign of jack.

"my head hurts," I muttered incoherently. a nurse said something to me, but I couldn't hear her.
"I need jack..." I was talking to no one. I was confused and afraid. I was being poked and prodded at; I cried out when a nurse stuck an IV needle in my arm, and the other nurses had to restrain me. a doctor was rambling on about dehydration and morning sickness and traumatic brain injuries, and eventually the stress became too much to cope with and I fell unconscious again.

I was shaken awake and I started to cry.
"why won't you just leave me alone?" I sobbed, almost screaming. finally they realized how scared and confused I was and they became less forceful with me, and I was finally left alone to rest.

I cried because I wanted jack. why wasn't he with me? I was so confused by everything and my head was pounding. then someone came into the room, and I looked up. it was jack, and he was in tears, too.

"oh, god," he whimpered, wiping his face with his sleeve. "jane, I am so sorry."
"for what?" I asked.
"that you've had to go through all this," he said.
"jack, I'm scared. I'm too young to-"
"baby, just relax. I don't want you to get stressed out, it'll make your head hurt worse."

"I'm pregnant, jack. what are we going to do?"
"we'll figure it out. everything will be fine."
"I'm so sick," I said, starting to cry. "could you please get me some water? I'm so thirsty."

"of course, baby." he walked down the hall and came back with some water for me, gently putting the cup in my hands. "do you want anything else?"
"to be at home."
"I'm so sorry I let this happen, jane. I don't know what to say or do to make it better."

"maybe it isn't such a bad thing," I said, trying to find the positive side. I knew I probably wasn't making much sense but I was trying to be coherent. "didn't you want to have a child with me?"
"of course. I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly. I'd wanted to marry you first."
part of me wanted to say, "so marry me," but I knew that now wasn't the time to be talking about that.

"but I want this if you do," he added, grabbing my hand.
"it will be okay, won't it?" I asked him.
"of course it will."