black & white

guilt

I listened to each voicemail one at a time.

"jane, please call me back."
"jane, please. let's talk. let's fix what needs to be fixed. let's start over."
"if you regret last night, just say it."

shit, I thought.
I dialed the number, it rang for a minute, and he picked up.
"jane?"
"none of this is right, jack."

"where the hell is that coming from?"
"I'm eighteen, you're forty-two. I'm a receptionist working for ten dollars an hour, you're a famous musician who also owns a multi-million dollar company. there's a severe power imbalance there. let's break it off while there's still time."

"jane, it has nothing to do with power. you're a person, I'm a person. I love you, and I was kind of under the impression that you loved me too. why can't we just go with it?"
I sighed. "because I feel weird about it."
"but why?"
"I don't know."

I started to cry. I did love him but I couldn't bring myself to say it; I had this feeling of guilt about it that I couldn't shake, and I hung up the phone before he had a chance to speak.

♤

he showed up on my doorstep in the early hours of the morning.
"jack?" I rubbed my eyes, just barely making out that it was him in the dark, but he was easily identifiable by his thick shock of black hair and his blue and white jacket.
"hey."
"it's two in the morning," I yawned, "why are you here?"

"I need to talk to you. may I come in?" he asked. I stepped aside and let him come through the door.

"white stripes t-shirt?" he observed; he'd noticed the shirt I had on; I slept in an old white stripes shirt from when I was younger.
"yeah, that's embarrassing."
"it's not embarrassing. I love that you're a fan of my music."'

"jack, seriously, why are you here?" I asked. I sat down on the couch to avoid falling asleep on my feet, and he sat down beside me.
"I wanted to talk to you about us."
"us?"

"yes. jane, I love you and I really want to be with you. you're intelligent, you're kind. and I understand that you're concerned about your reputation and what people will think, but you shouldn't be. neither of those things matter in the long run. but I want you to know that whatever decision you make in regards to our relationship is fine by me. if you want to stay together, great, and if not, that's alright and I'll let you be. but it's up to you."

I shrugged. "I don't know, jack. this isn't a normal situation. and I understand that my reputation and what people think of me doesn't matter, but I just don't want my life to be hell while I work at third man records. I get bullied regularly by my coworkers for just existing."

he didn't say anything. I got up and paced around.

"I do love you, jack. I'm just struggling right now."

"I get it, jane. you don't have to come to a decision right now. I'll just let you go back to bed and I'll see you some other time, okay?" he said, getting up and walking towards the door, and I caved.

"don't leave," I stammered.
"what?"
"please, don't leave. I know I'm all over the map, I'm sorry."

he turned around and looked at me for a moment before walking over to me.
"you look so tired, baby," he said, his voice low.
"I am."
"show me where your bedroom is."

I walked him to my bedroom and we sat down together on my bed.
"please stay the night with me," I whispered to him; I felt this strange urge just to be close to him.
"do you want me to?" he whispered back, and I looked up at him and nodded. I laid down and gestured for him to do the same.

jack immediately started removing his shoes and his jacket, and he started to go for his shirt, and I worried that I'd sent him the wrong massage.
"wait, you weren't planning on doing that were you?" I asked him; I was feeling uneasy.

"no. I mean, not unless you want to."
"not tonight. let's just sleep."
he saw my discomfort, and he left his shirt on and got into bed. he wrapped his arms around me and held me close to him; he always made me feel safe.

"I'm sorry," I said.
"why?"
"I don't know what I want."
"that's okay. I'll stick around until you do."
"jack?"
"yes, jane?
"I, I love you." somehow, saying it felt right. he smiled at me and kissed me on my forehead.
"I love you too."