black & white

disappointed

it was our third day at home with the baby, and things were starting to get a little easier.

jack was lying on the bed holding trinity. I'd just gotten out of the shower when my phone started to ring, and my heart sank when I saw who was calling.
"oh god, it's my mother."
I quickly declined the call and sat down for a minute to compose myself.

"so? what's the matter?" jack asked, confused.
"my mother doesn't know about any of this. she doesn't know about you, she doesn't even know I've been pregnant."
"why have you been keeping it from her?"

"I don't know. first I was scared that she wouldn't approve so I was waiting for the right time to tell her, and then I got pregnant and moved in with you and it just became a snowball from hell. and she's been wanting to visit me but I've been lying to her saying that I was sick or too busy with work and didn't have the time. and now I know I've let it go too far. I haven't seen my mother in over a year."

"jane, normally I'd tell you that everything will be fine, but I'm kind of disappointed in you on this one. you shouldn't have kept so much from your mother. and it kind of gives me the impression that you don't want her to know about me."

"I'm sorry, jack. it isn't that I don't want her to know about you, I love you. it's just she might not be really into the idea of us because of the age difference, that's all. or the fact that I've had a child at this age."
"regardless of how she may feel, you need to tell her."
I sighed. "I know."

♤

I laid on the bed feeding trinity, and jack was downstairs doing the laundry.

I took a deep breath, reached for my phone, and dialed my mother's number. it didn't even ring for a second before she answered; my stomach was twisting in knots.

"janie!"
"hi mom."
"oh my goodness it's been ages. I miss you!"
"I miss you too."
"did you change your home phone number? I haven't been able to reach you there in months."
"yeah, well I sort of moved," I said, taking another deep breath. "I have a lot to update you on, actually."

"go for it. I'd love to hear what you've been up to."
I hesitated. "do you promise you won't be angry with me?"
"well I don't see why I'd be angry, but I promise."

I braced myself and composed my thoughts for a minute, and took another deep breath. "well, you know how I started working at third man records about a year ago."
"yes."
"well, while working there, I sort of met this guy. this very kind, wonderful man."
"that's wonderful, sweetie. tell me about him."

my heart was pounding.
"he's one of the higher-ups at third man, and he also happens to be a very successful musician. his name is jack and I love him very much." I was starting to feel panicky. "he's a bit older than me, though."

"how much older?" my mother's tone had changed.
"t-twenty-five years," I said, my voice shaking.
"you mean to tell me you're dating a forty-something year old man?! jane, what are you thinking? if this is some kind of sugar daddy situation I-"
"it isn't, mom, I swear. I love him. and I've been with him for a year. I moved in with him and we're going to get married. and we have a child together."

there was silence.
"did I hear that last part correctly?"
"yes. I've just had a baby, mom. I got pregnant last spring."
"I don't even know what to say, jane. I'm fuming."
"I'm sorry I've disappointed you. I know it's a strange situation, but I'm really, really happy. I love jack very much and our little girl is beautiful, and he's asked me to marry him."
"I just don't understand why you've kept all of this from me. I feel like I've been hit by a runaway train."

"I knew you'd never approve of any of this, mom. I was afraid to tell you, especially after I got pregnant. I just didn't want you to be disappointed in me for having a baby so young. it wasn't originally part of the plan but I'm just so happy, mom. all of this has taught me that I don't need a plan. sometimes you just have to take everything as it comes and live in the moment."

"well, it's still a shock, but if this is what you want, then I'll support you. and though I'm disappointed that you've kept so much from me, I'm thrilled for you, jane. you do sound genuinely happy."
"thank you. I promise I won't keep anything from you again, mom. this was just a hard situation."
"I understand, I do."
"mom, I'd like for you to come visit us. I want you to meet jack and your new granddaughter."
"I'd love to, sweetheart."

♤

my mother came to our house the very next day, and I went to the door to meet her.

"oh, my sweet little girl," she said, hugging me. "I've missed you."
"I've missed you too, mom," I said, enjoying a sweet moment with her, and I took her hand and led her into the living room. "jack, can you come in here, please?"

he came into the room with trinity in his arms, and he smiled at me and my mother.
"mom, this is jack. jack, this is my mother, pamela."
"it's so nice to finally meet you, jack," she said, reaching out to shake his hand.
"the pleasure is all mine," jack said, smiling at her again.

"he's a gentleman, jane. I'm impressed," my mother said.
"he is. he's wonderful," I said, and I gently took trinity from him. "and mom, this is our daughter, trinity jane. she's six days old."
she looked down at her, in awe. "oh, janie, she's beautiful. she's so tiny."
"would you like to hold her, mom?"
"I'd love to."

we sat down on the couch together and I laid trinity in my mother's arms, and all the frustration and secrecy no longer mattered. a weight had been lifted.