Long Distance ~ Sequel to Lunar

Chapter 10

Connor's POV

I've been putting this off as much as possible. But I know I had to. I sat in front of my camera. I took a deep breath. I've already done this three times, but each attempt just didn't work. Either I would break down or I just couldn't find the right words and would sit there speechless in front of a camera.

"Um. I've tried to film this video multiple times. I've sat in front of my camera for... several hours now, trying to film at this time... I think I'm just gonna do it. Let's see how it goes."

I sighed.

"Hey, what's up o2l, it's Connor, and this week it's gonna be a little bit different. I've been avoiding trying to talk to you guys about something for a really, really long time now, and I just need you guys to listen and hear me out. That's all I can really ask for."

I looked around my room. I've filmed where I'm sitting so many times, but never has it been this difficult.

"I like to think I come across as a really happy, positive, in general well-put together person. But that's not always the case.

I mean to you guys it might seem that way all the time, because you only see portions of my life. The good portions, really. It's not always that way. It's not always good. I'm just a person, I'm just a person just like you guys, and I struggle a lot with a lot of things.

I have a lot going on in my life. I have a lot going on with YouTube, I have a lot going on with my friends, I have a lot going on with my family, I have a lot of personal things I'm dealing with behind the camera.

When it comes down to it, I make a video that is five minutes long about my week. A week that has over ten thousand minutes in it. So, you guys don't see my entire life. You guys see just a tiny portion of it. And I think it's really hard for you guys to see that it's not all good. My life is not perfect by any means. 

O2l has been a part of my life for nearly two years now. And i-it's been a big deal, it's really been such a big part of my life. And it's going to continue to be a part of my life... for as long as I live.

From the bottom of my heart, I love this channel, I honestly, I love it, I love the family it's created, I love the other five guys I get to share it with. I can't stress this enough, but nothing will ever, I repeat ever change that. Ever.

So by the title of this video and just everything I'm talking about, you guys can probably already assume... This is the last video I will be making on this channel.

I don't know how big of a shock this is to any of you, I don't know how you're feeling... right now, but just please hear me out and please listen to the words that I am saying.

I've been a very unhappy person for about the past four months now. I'm going to be the first one to say it, over that time period my content on YouTube, my videos have been lacking-have been lacking so much creativity, so much depth. And I'm not okay with that.

YouTube has started to feel like work, it's started to feel like a job, and it's starting to feel like something I have to do, rather than something I want to do. That's never what I wanted this to be. 

And it kills me, it really kills me, to feel like I'm that person who's using this as a job. And just doing it to do it. I'm not the kid who was making videos in his bedroom for fun four years ago. I hate that. It puts such a bad taste in my mouth.

And because of this I am so overwhelmed. Something needs to change. If I want to keep doing this.

I've done so much, I've gone so many places, and I've got to do it all with five people that I consider to be my brothers. The o2l guys are literally family to me. We've been through so much together, and we've gone nowhere but up, and I do not want to be the person that changes that for them. I do not want to stick with this channel and tear it down by not having my heart fully in it.