One Bad Day

Sedation

Harley's POV

It had been two months with three intravenous injections a day of Ivy's drug. Then there were several injections of Thorazine a day to take the edge off the anxiety he was experiencing. But truthfully, he's trying his best to hide. He's doing anything he can to not have to face his feelings, Jack's feelings. He woke up with a needle in his arm and he went to bed with a needle in his arm. The track marks were atrocious to see. It made him look like a junkie.

As far as his behavior, it was getting harder to distinguish differances between the personalities. I think this is because he's staying whacked out of his mind by the Thorazine and Ivy's drug. He was quite, alarmingly quiet and I found myself checking him several times an hour just to make sure he's alive. It was as if all the life had been drained from him. He looked exactly the same as the first time I saw him after a shock therapy session. Withdrawn, distant, distracted, confused, and practically incapable of holding a conversation.

He's sunk into a very deep depression. I have been doing the dream regression therapy for two weeks now. The memories that I've unlocked were unimaginably horrible. The things that his father used to do to him...he was justified in killing that man. It wasn't murder, that was self defense. And Jack has had to remember all these horrible things that he tried so hard to bury. It had worked for a long time, but the baby drew out that one shred of compassion that still dwelled in the rarely seen Jack Napier persona. And that basically just toppled my Mistah J's dominoes one by one.

During therapy he always ends up lying with his head in my lap, broken and crying when he's under hypnosis and remembering a recovered memory. His frantic eyes were so full of fear  and it was so hard to see him that way. I was used to Mistah J always being in control. Even when there's no control to be had. His recovered memories were more than anyone could take. He would sometimes beg me to wake him up. He would scream it to the rooftops. The veins in his body risen to the surface from the strain of his screams. So I would have to stop the session.

We had to stop restraining him once Jack recalled a memory of his father restraining him to a bed. He would thrash about on the bed so much that he'd break loose from at least one restraint. And one thing about my Mistah J, he's fast. One split second was all he needed to punch Johnny in the face and free himself of the rest of the restraints. He got off the bed, panting over Johnny. He was about to take his gun and shoot him with it, but I gasped and it caught his attention. So he came for me instead. I don't even know which one of him it was. Luckily Johnny was able to pump him with a full syringe of Thorazine. And all that did was make him sigh and start pacing back and forth mumbling to himself.

I used to love it when I was able to get into Mistah J's head. But now it was like a nightmare. The true inside of his head was the scariest place I have ever been. So much pain and dispair. So much anger and sadness. Honestly, I'm amazed that he has ever been able to get as far in life as he has. Jack's attempted suicide a number of times. Mostly with drugs because he wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. He didn't want to suffer from a gunshot or slashed wrists, though he has done both to himself on more than one occasion. I felt so much empathy for him, for everything he was trusting me to help him face. But it's starting to scare me to death.

There was very little good to be found in Mistah J's memories, just a few really. One was a very early memory of being a talented artist in school and winning a first place ribbon. He held on to that ribbon up until his transformation into the Joker. It was one of the only times Jack seemed to be proud of himself.

Another memory was of the first time a girl ever kissed him. He had no idea what she was doing or why. Then with a delightful laugh he jokes about how stupid he was. He said that he wished he would have tried to kiss her better. Then he smiles at me and asks me if he's an adequate kisser and lover?

And then I found Jeannie in his memories. He loved her the moment he saw her. She brought out Jack's confidence. She made him believe in himself. She didn't have to storm his castle walls because he never put a wall up for her. He instead played out a role for her. He loved her so much that he couldn't be without her. He feels responsible for what happened to her and the baby. But, in spite of how much he failed her as a husband, she still believed in him. She believed in him until that fateful last day. That one bad day.

And today's session with Jack will be remembering his one bad day. The day when something just snapped. The day when the Joker was born. It made perfect sense really, the Joker was a man without sympathy guilt, or regret. He was someone who didn't love. He didn't care. He was everything Jack Napier couldn't be. And he invited in none of the normal human spirited problems like relationships of any kind. The Joker was unreachable, untouchable. He had nothing that anyone could take away, therefore he had nothing to lose. And his power only grew. Slowly, Jack simply turned into a distant memory, equivalent to a twitch.

I draw in a deep breath as Mistah J lays silently on the bed, already under, waiting for me to start. I swallowed hard. "Jack? What did you do when you came home that night from Ace Chemical, now pale white, with green hair and bright red lips?"

"Mmmm, I found a note. It was from Jeannie. She had left me," he barely whispered.

"What did you do after you found the letter?"

"I thought about where she might have gone. I had to find her and get her back. The baby would have been coming very soon. I had to bring her home. I...ran out into the street looking for her. People...seemed frightened by my appearance. They just kept stopping dead in their tracks and staring. A few bolder ones called me names, demeaning names. I beat one within an inch of his life. It was the cops who pulled me off the guy and arrested me. They took me into the interrogation room and told me about Jeannie being in an accident. The baby was a boy. He lived seven minutes. Maybe long enough for at least one dream..." I can see him wipe away his tears.

"What did you do when you got out of jail?" I ask.

"I went home and for the first time I looked in the mirror and saw what horrified people when they looked at me. I tried to wash the white off me, I scrubbed until I bled because that was the only color I could find. I... couldn't get the green to fade at all. I looked... insane. I felt insane. It was one of my worst days. The man I saw in that mirror wasn't me. He was someone else. I remember... smiling, I looked better when I smiled. Jeannie had always told me to smile more...And then I realized that... I didn't have to be Jack anymore. His appearance was gone. I tried to kill myself. I stabbed a six inch blade into my stomach seven times. One for each minute my son was in this world and I wasn't there. Then I...put the knife to my throat and that's when I heard him."

"Heard who?"

"Boss."

"And what did he say to you?"

"He said that I was unfit to control anything. He told me to just go on and slit my throat, that's what a weak man does. He said he could show me how to be so much more than that. How to be unbreakable. How to be a message to the entire world...he promised...glory. He promised me power and control. He said I would never have to hurt again."

"And thus the Joker was born?"

"Yes. Being the Joker was like being reborn. I could no longer associate my appearance with anyone from my past, not myself, not my parents...it was so easy to let them take over. It was easy to assume a completely different personality. It was easy being the Joker. You don't hurt when you know you have nothing to lose. And I had absolutely nothing to lose... until I met you. I tried so hard not to love you. It made me remember Jeannie for the first time in years. You woke up Jack."

"You've trusted your very life to the three of them for a very long time. Surely Jack, you must have learned a lot from them."

He turns his head and looks at me with a scrunched brows, "They taught me hatred and anarchy. They taught me not to care. And I knew that a baby... I didn't want to give my kid my kind of upbringing. I want to be able to hold my child and to love it. To say it and mean it. To feel it for you. The Joker can't do those things. Only Jack can. That's why I chose to do all this Harley."

"Then you have to lay off the Thorazine. You're not going to be able to assimilate Jack into your collective if you keep drugging away his feelings. You have to feel them too. You all have to let Jack show you what it is to feel."

He simply nods, "I know baby. That's the hardest part of all."