One Bad Day

Bonding

Joker's POV

After my outburst and leaving the room, I found myself in Bats' library. The room smelled like old books. I stared at the shelves, not looking for a book at all. Instead my mind couldn't stop picturing Zsasz raping my wife. My fists clenched and I could feel my fingernails breaking the skin in my palms. I gasp and start to cry. That son of a bitch put himself inside of my wife and almost fucking killed my child inside of her. I should have called his bluff on the plane. I should have put a bullet right between his eyes. If I wouldn't have hesitated none of this would have ever happened. But I hesitated because Jack was weak. You would think the man would have found some balls after already  losing one wife and unborn child.

I hear the door behind me creak open. I know it's Batsy, I can hear the sound of his fancy shoes on the marble floor. I quickly wipe the tears from my eyes and wipe my nose on my sleeve. I didn't want him to see me crying again. He's going to start to think I'm just a big old softy.

"Nice book collection," I say and reach out and pull a random book from the shelf. "IT," I chuckle, "you read this and think of me, don't cha?" I ask.

"Actually, I've never read it before," he answers.

"What? You haven't read a book about a psychopathic clown that eats children? I would have figured you could dictate this one to me."

"I didn't know you liked to read," Bats says.

"Do you think I got an IQ of 160 by not reading?" I ask as I look over the menacing picture of Tim Curry dressed as Pennywise. "Isn't this how you see me?" I softly question. "A psychopathic clown that eats children?"

"I don't exactly know what to think of you after this past week," I hear him saying, "You have shown me a side of you that I didn't ever think you were capable of having."

"Does that disappoint you Bruce?" I ask and return the book to the shelf.

"No. On the contrary, it's just a surprise," I hear him saying and moving across the room behind me.

I look over my shoulder at him. "Honestly, I share that surprise with you. I guess it's all that couch time with Harley. I guess discovering my past has changed certain things. I, like you, thought I really was a psychopathic clown who ate children, someone without care or regret. But I realized something, I was that psychopath because I cared so much and did have regrets. I guess psychopath isn't the most accurate description of the Joker. I know right from wrong, a psychopath doesn't. I fit the term sociopath better. I know right from wrong, I just don't give a shit about consequences. For years I've been a man who secretly wished for someone to come along and end me. I tried myself, many times, more than I can count, but the voices would always prevent me from it." I slightly turn to face him, fumbling with my hands. "I've felt undeserving of normalcy and happiness for such a long time. I never knew why though. The truth was erased from me, some by suppression, some courtesy of the good doctors at Arkham. But through therapy, perhaps my experimental antipsychotic, I found the reason why and the tiny shred of me still left with some humanity was integrated with the rest of me."

"So are you saying that you're thinking of turning over a new leaf?" He asks me.

I look down at my hands. "Bruce, do you ever think about not being Batman? Like retirement? It sounds good in your head, you really want it, but then something happens, a hospital blown up, a bank robbed, and you have no choice but to be Batman? And you realize that you're stuck, that you really have no other option but to be the Bat? Thats how it is for me. I would like very much to disappear from Gotham with my wife and child...but someone would find me. They would force my hand and I would have no choice except to be the Joker. I'm a man who's in too deep Bruce. It's too late for me to be anything other than the Joker."

"It's never too late to change J."

I look up at him, "You've never called me J before. Careful Bats, you're succumbing to the guise of the new and improved Joker. Don't be a fool, I'm not to be trusted. For instance, Victor Zsasz...I plan to castrate him after I've tortured him for at least five days, I'll do some meth to stay awake if needs be. But rest assured, he shall die by my hand. And I will be that psychopathic clown that eats children as I do it. You asked if I was turning over a new leaf? The answer is...only in my personal life."

"Joker, I understand that what Zsasz did was beyond wrong. If I were in your shoes I would probably want to do to him just as you do. I think any normal man would think that."

"Yes, but I will do more than think about it. I will do everything I said I would. As you know, I'm a man of my word," I look him dead in the eyes.

Bruce sighs and sits down in a chair. "Joker, don't you want to see your child grow? Don't you want to be there for the first step? The first time it calls you dada? The first day of school?"

A tear I had felt forming rolls down my pale cheek and I quickly wipe it away. "Sure, I want to be. But I'm a realist Bruce, I know the odds aren't in my favor."

"But you could change that, can't you see that?" He shrugs at me.

"It's just not possible for me, why can't you understand that? I'm in things that you can't get away from, the only way out is death."

"Are you referring to the mob? But you're the head of it."

"In Gotham. Only in Gotham. And a few of its nearing suburbs. Once a month I have to meet with these fat old guys that are always talking about Italian blood. I'm constantly ridiculed by them, but if I do anything rest assured everything I care about will die by their hands, then they'll kill me. If I say I want out do you think they're going to throw a going away party with a nice fat severance check? They can't let me walk away, I know too much." He just stares at me speechlessly. "Do you get it now?!" I shout at him. Then I flip a table.

"You understand that I will have to take you away from your family and send you back to Arkham the first time you break the law. Which I'm guessing, you don't always have a choice in the matter," he looks at me with concern.

"I know the routine Bruce," I sigh and stare out the window. "And you know mine. We are merely hampsters on a wheel, you and I. And there's no way out for either of us. However, I honestly am grateful for the help you have extended towards myself and my family. I don't know why you did it, but I'm very thankful that you did."

"I did it because of the child," he says quietly. "I saw in your eyes how much it meant to you with it yet to even be born. I knew how desperate you were to come to me. And I have always wanted to believe that there's good somewhere in you. And I have seen it in you all week."

I smile slightly and look at him, "If you ever tell anyone, I'll have to kill you."

He smiles back, "Your secret is safe with me."