Stay With Me ✔

14.

I can hear the crash, feel the seat belt restricting me and burning my skin as the car rolls down the hill harshly, hear my dad desperately calling my name, and smell the gasoline when the car finally comes to a halt. 

I'm scared and everything hurts. There's blood trickling down my face from the cut on my head, but that's nothing compared to the amount of blood I can see falling from my dad's head as he lays slumped over the front seat. When I finally tear my eyes away from my dad, I see that there is glass everywhere from where the windows shattered from impact. The airbag deployed, the passenger side of the car is crushed inward and I send up a quick thank you to God that it wasn't the side we are on that was crushed like that. 

Just as quickly as I had thanked God though, I begin to question him and curse him when my dad won't wake up no matter how loudly I scream and beg for him to. 

The smell of gasoline is burning my nose and I can hear people from the road above us shouting. They're calling for help, asking if we're okay, screaming at the sight of the wreckage. I try to unbuckle my seat belt but I'm frozen in fear and my head is pounding. Everything starts to get dark and hazy, eventually I pass out. 

Two nights in a row? This has never happened before. I sit up abruptly in my bed, my heart hammering in my chest and my lungs fighting for air. My head is pounding, just as it was in my dream but I don't know if it's from the stress of the panic attack or from the alcohol. 

"Ky! Kylie!" I look over to see Rave staring back at me, his eyes wide with fear as he wraps an arm around me tightly and begins whispering things I can't hear in an attempt to calm me down. 

List five things I can see: Rave's green eyes searching mine frantically, Rave's wild and untamed hair sticking up in all directions, Rave's strong and muscular arms wrapped around me tightly, Rave's perfectly sculpted jawline, and Rave's shirtless chest. 

List four things I can feel: Rave's arms hugging me, the hammering of my heart which has less to do with my current state and more to do with the fact that Rave isn't wearing a shirt, the blanket, and Rave's hand in mine as he threads his fingers through my own. 

List three things I can hear: Rave's words that are now loud and clear, the fan, and my own heavy breathing as my lungs finally start to fill with air. 

"Ky?" He looks a little less terrified now that I'm no longer struggling to breathe, but I can see that he's still worried about me. I can't blame him, I would be scared too if he had an attack like that in the middle of the night. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah...Where's your shirt?" I ask, unable to drag my eyes away from his defined chest and abs. He lets out a low chuckle and my eyes dart to his face, his beautiful smile making my heart rate speed up a little bit even though it's exhausted from my previous state of panic. 

"You told me to take it off." 

My mouth drops and I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks even before he says, "You're blushing so bad I can see it in the dark." 

I bury my face in my hands and turn away from him but he wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me towards him, kissing my head as I lean into him. We sit like that for a minute, my heart rate returns to normal and my headache dulls a little as Rave runs his fingers through my hair. I can feel exhaustion taking over, but I know I owe Rave an explanation, even if he's too kind to ask for one. "I get nightmares." 

"What are they about?" His fingers still combing through my hair as he waits for me to answer.  

"They're more like memories." 

Rave doesn't ask or say anything, he just waits for me to continue and I'm grateful for his patience because it's a lot more difficult to talk about than I thought it would be. I focus on the feel of his hand in mine, his fingers in my hair and his chest rising and falling against my back every time he takes a breath. I try to make my breathing fall into rhythm with his, and after a few minutes of gathering my thoughts and calming myself, "They're memories of the day my dad died." 

Rave rests his chin on top of my head, his hand falling from my hair and instead wrapping around my waist as he holds me. When he squeezes my hand I close my eyes and let a few stray tears fall down my face. 

My mom knows that I have nightmares, but she's almost never home when I do. Even when she is home though, she doesn't come check on me and I don't go tell her about it, instead I deal with the panic on my own and eventually fall back to sleep as I did last night. 

My mom never talks about my dad, especially not that day. To have Rave listen to me and comfort me, it makes me want to cry and fall apart from all the things I've been holding in for the past two years. 

I turn so that I'm facing him and he raises our entwined hands to wipe away my tears. "Do you want to talk about him?"

My heart breaks at the sincerity and concern in his voice and expression. I want to open up and tell Rave everything that has been on my mind and in my dreams, but panic attacks leave me feeling drained and drowsy - that along with the massive amount of alcohol I drank earlier is making it hard for me to keep my eyes open. 

"Later?" I ask as I lay my head against his shoulder. 

"Sure, Princess." He lays back down and I fall back with him, my head resting on his chest as he pulls the blanket around us. The last thing I remember is feeling his arms wrap around me and the feel of him kissing my forehead before I drifted off to sleep -easier and quicker than I ever have before after a nightmare. 

Maybe it was because I'm still a little drunk, but I like to think it's because of Rave.