Stay With Me ✔

epilogue.

Rave, 

I'm writing this with no expectations of you reading it or caring about what I have to say if you do decide to read this letter. I'm sure this letter will arrive in your mailbox only to be tossed in the garbage, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try. 

 I know I don't deserve an ounce of your time and I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness. However, I can still hope. 

Hope seems to be all that I have left anymore. 

You may not believe me, but I truly am sorry for everything that I have done or caused over the years. I was a poor excuse of not only a father, but a human being. I wish I could blame the drugs, but even I know that would just be an excuse - the truth is I didn't want to be a dad, not without your mom around. You and your sister were constant reminders of what I lost and I couldn't bare to look at you. 

Losing her was hard on all of us, and I handled it all wrong. My life slowly started slipping away and eventually I stopped trying to hold on, if I ever tried to hold on at all. I know I should have been stronger, I should have loved you more - both of you, and I should have taken care of you. You shouldn't have had to live the way you did, you shouldn't have had to grow up so fast and I shouldn't have done the things I did. 

I won't try to explain why it all happened the way it did, because it's all just an excuse, and not a good one. You don't want to hear it and I don't want to lie to you. Just know that I'm sorry. 

It pains me to think of the way I treated you and the things I did or said. I don't even remember all of it because I was too high or drunk at the time, but I know that I put you through Hell, Rave. I know that I deserve to rot for my actions. I'm ashamed of myself and there's nothing I can do to make it up to you. 

I hope life treats you well from here on. I hope you and your sister both live a long and happy life. I know that your girlfriend's mother adopted her, and I'm grateful that she has someone to give her the life I should have. I'm also glad that you found someone who is there for you, who loves you enough to help you in the darkest times - people like that are important. 

It's a lot to ask and I don't expect you to care, but I have liver cancer and not much time left. It would mean a lot to see my children before it's too late. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but only a chance to properly apologize in person.

All the best,

Dad

"Can you believe that? Can you believe that he asked for us to visit him?" Rave is pacing back and forth in front of me on the hardwood floor in our living room. He's still wearing his work clothes, khakis and a button up shirt with the sleeves pushed up - oil spots easily spotted on his clothes because even though he's been the garage manager for years now, he can't seem to stay away from playing mechanic sometimes.  

As I sit on the couch and watch him, he rakes his hands through his hair - which is getting a little long and in need of a cut, although I'll never tell him that. I love when his hair sticks up and looks untamed. Rave continues to mumble and pace, his hands going from tugging at his hair to clenching at his sides and back again. He pulls at the collar of his shirt, his hands fumbling with the buttons as he huffs in frustration.

"Rave." I stand, walking over to him and gently moving his hands out of the way as I unbutton the top few buttons of his shirt for him. When I place my palm on his face, he leans into it and closes his eyes.

"Why did he have to write me, Ky?"

"He told you why." Rave hasn't seen or heard from his dad in six years, not since the day of his trial - the day we watched him be escorted away in handcuffs after he was given his sentence. Rave had contemplated for days whether or not he should have gone to the trial, but in the end he decided that he needed to see for himself that the man that ruined his life was being put behind bars for the rest of his life - or at least close to it.