I twisted and turned in my bed all night unable to figure out what happened. It didn't help that every time I remembered the feel of her lips against mine, my heart stars beating madly. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.
I never had the courage to text or call Jia. It was a conversation I planned to have with her face to face.
Next morning, I woke up - I actually didn't get much sleep - and got ready early. I drove to Jia's condo.
When I got there and Jia opened the door, she looked like she didn't get much sleep either but she was also prepped up already. She couldn't look me in the eyes as she let me enter her condo.
"What was that?!" I turned to her sharply.
I couldn't hold back my anger. Yes, I was angry. I was angry at Jia for doing what she did.
"Bei," Jia whispered.
I waited for her to continue but she didn't.
I clenched my fist.
"What, Jia?! Was that supposed to be a birthday gift because I like you? I don't need a pity kiss from you!" I screamed.
"It wasn't like that!"
"Then, what was it?!"
Jia couldn't answer.
"Tangina naman, Jia, eh!" I screamed in frustration. "I never kissed you even when I badly wanted to because there are lines that you don't cross! Pero ikaw, wala lang sayo! You don't even try to take my feelings into consideration! Nakakagago ka naman, eh!"
My heart broke when tears started to fall from Jia's eyes and she started to sob. She tried wiping the tears away but more kept coming.
"I-I'm s-sorry, B-bea," Jia cried.
Oh, God, what have I done?
I pulled Jia to me and engulfed her in my arms. I rubbed her back soothingly.
"I'm sorry, Jia, I didn't mean to shout," I said.
I felt Jia's shoulders shake trying to control her crying.
I made Jia cry. Shit. I hated when Jia used to cry and now, I'm the one making her cry. I feel so bad.
"It wasn't a gift or out of Pity, Bea," Jia said in controlled sobs. "I swear."
I clenched my jaw as I whispered, "Then, explain it to me."
Jia tried to calm down a little bit more. She was clutchinh at my shirt and her forehead laid on my shoulder.
"I wanted to kiss you, Bea," she whispered. "I just wanted to."
"Bakit nga?" I asked, almost begging her to make it clear.
"I don't want to talk about it yet," she cried. "I'm sorry."
Ihinilamos ko ang isa kong kamay sa mukha. Naiinis na ako. I wanted to cry out of frustration.
When Jia moved back and stared at me with tears still on her eyes, I knew there was nothing else I could do.
"Please, Bea, can you let it go for now? I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet," she begged.
She kissed me because she wanted to but she didn't want to talk about it. Tangina. What am I supposed to do about that?
It seemed like pinapaasa lang ako ni Jia at ito naman akong tangang umaasa.
"I'm really sorry, Bea," Jia sobbed.
I couldn't take any more of her crying and I also felt heavy that I just wanted to finish this conversation.
