Jia's chinky eyes turned saucers and she seemed to be holding her breath.
"I-Isabel?" Jia said, prompting me to explain.
I smiled wistfully as I looked at her.
"I've said it before, I like you, Jia. And since then, I've been trying to get rid of my feelings for you. But it just isn't happening," I said defeatedly. "I still like you. And I like that I like but you don't try to like me back."
Jia's brows knitted.
I realized how stupid that sounded but I can't help it; my mouth was working faster than my brain. I don't even know where I got the courage to confess to Jia at this point and the pounding of my heart wasn't helping.
"I mean, of course, it's not fun to like someone and not be liked back but I'd rather have that than you liking me just because I like you. Reciprocal liking is worse than not being liked. And the same goes for me and Rosie. I don't want to like her just because she likes me. She deserves better."
I took another deep breath before I continued.
"I doubt you'll like me the way that I like you but I don't ever want you to try. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I can accept that."
"Wouldn't it hurt?" Jia asked, her gaze softened.
"Of course, it will. But I know myself, Melissa. I know that when you finally find someone, I can finally let go of you and move on. But until then, I guess I'm hoping that you would let me like you."
My voice became a whisper towards the last part. I was afraid of her answer. I even avoided her gaze.
"What do you mean, Isabel?" Jia asked curiously.
She grabbed my hand to prompt me to look at her and I did. There was no judgment there, no pity, no rejection. She was waiting to understand better.
"I've been so conscious of the things I do around you because I didn't want you to know how much I still like you. It's dificult, Jia. It's exhausting. I just want to be able to act around you like how I am to the person that I like. But I don't want you to get akward."
Jia squeezed my hand.
"How are you around the person that you like?"
"You already know," I whined.
"I don't, Bea. College was a long time ago and I assume things have changed."
I groaned.
I already feel embarassed as it is but Jia just had to make it more difficult.
"Okay, just the things that might make you feel awkward - I'm touchy and flirty," I admitted.
Jia made a baffled face at me.
"Sanay na akong touchy ka."
I scratched my eyebrow.
"Jia, I haven't been touchy since I told you I like you. I avoid holding your hands, hugging you, or kissing you on the cheek or at the top of your head most of the time. Ikaw ang touchy."
"Oh."
I saw realization dawned on Jia's face as she probably thought of what I said. Most of our physical closeness was initiated by Jia. I feel giddy when I'm around her and electrified that I don't subject myself to that on purpose.
"Well, okay lang sakin, Isabel," Jia said shyly.
"And me being flirty?"
"I can handle you," she answered confidently.
