idk 22

1 0 0

by JustMada

by JustMada

I would like to say I hate who I am
Because at least if I hated myself I could beat my own heart up without it hurting

I would like to say I hate who I am
Because at least if I hated myself I would have a reason for being so cruel

I would like to say I hate who I am
Because at least if I hated myself -my looking in the mirror pointing out all my flaws would be warranted

I would like to say I hate who I am
Because at least if I hated myself me sitting on the floor crying about all that I've done wrong would make some sense

I would like to say I hate who I am
Because at least if I hated myself all that I'm writing about and have written about would be valid

I would like to say I hate who I am
Because at least if I hated myself I wouldn't shatter because of what others say, I'd just agree

I would love to say I hate who I am
Because at least if it were true, all this pain I bring myself would be justified

I would love to say I hate who I am...
But in all honesty, I don't hate her
Not in the slightest

I love her to pieces
And the worst thing about loving someone that is the result of how you've changed,
The worst part of that, is seeing how much it hurts her

Seeing how much it hurts her to realize she is not who she used to be
She is not who she wants to be

I love this new person which is terrible
It's terrible because she only recognizes her flaws

I love this new person and it awful
It's awful because she's seeing everything that's wrong about her and none of the good

I love this new person and it terrifying
It's terrifying because she hates the changes

I love this new person and it's heartbreaking
It's heartbreaking to watch myself, her, crumble because she knows all too well

She knows she is not who she used to be
And she knows she cannot change back

She knows she can revise and edit and try to change all she wants
But she knows she will never be who she was before
She knows with each change, good or bad, she'll manage to find the flaws

I know that I will always manage to find the flaws.

I would like to say I hate who I am, but I don't. I'm just scared to get to know her.