Adventures Without Maeve

6. Moving On?

Here is the thing. When someone dies, people expect you to move on. Maybe not at first. But they still do. They want you to find someone new. And to stop being so damn sad all the time.

Well, here is my problem with that. I can't do it. I can't possibly imagine myself with anyone else but Maeve. She was the one, you know? How do you move on from someone like her? I'm convinced that you don't.

I know it sounds so cliché to even be saying this. But I seriously just can't picture it. I never wanted to love anyone else. I only wanted her. Always her.

It's funny, in a not funny at all kind of way, I forget that she left. Died. I forget she died. I mean it's been close to four months now. You think that I would stop doing it but I don't. I still reach for her in the mornings. I still find myself wanting to tell her things. And I still find myself looking for her everywhere I go.

When she left, she took a piece of me with her. A big piece. And I'm not sure if I can ever get it back. She was just my fucking everything. How am I meant to carry on?

"Harry," Niall sighs. "stop it."

"Stop what?" I ask, looking up at him.

"You have been stabbing your fork into your plate for the past ten minutes." Niall says, pointing to my fork.

"Have I?" I ask, knitting my eyebrows together. "Hm, sorry, I guess."

"All good." He says, standing up and taking his plate to the sink.

We are home for a week, just a little break from touring. Niall asked if he could crash at my place, and I was thrilled to have him. He is quite good company. Also teaches me a lot about FIFA. Maybe one day I will be able to kick his ass at it.

"You still going out with Des tonight?" I ask.

"Yeah, planning on it. That alright?" He asks.

"Of course!" I say, standing up from the table. "Just tell her I said hi."

"Yeah," he says. "will do."

"Are two good since you told her?" I ask him

"More than good!" He smiles. "She did feel the same, and I could not be more happier."

"I'm happy for you!" I say, clapping his shoulder. He smiles brightly at me.

"Any plans tonight?" He asks, knitting his eyebrows.

"Not really." I say, shrugging. "Planned on staying in. Maybe going to mum's for a bit."

"You should go out! Have fun!"

"Uh, I don't know. Maybe." I shrug. "Don't really want to set off the paps or anything."

"I get you, mate. It's cool if you just want to stay in. I mean I have never been through anything like this, but I can't imagine what I would be like without Destiney here with me. Like, what does it feel like?"

"It's like I can feel a hole in my heart, you know? And some mornings I forget when I wake up, but I can still tell that something is missing. She took a piece of me with her. And I just miss her like crazy all the time. I'm not sure it will ever be okay again." I sit down on a stool and take a slow drink.

"I can't even imagine how you feel, Harry. But I do want you to know that I am always here for you." Niall says, giving me a weak smile. "You know that right? I mean, I know we have all said it a million times but we seriously mean it. Like you can talk to us about anything. Literally anything, Harry. I mean it, okay?"

"Okay." I say. "I know, its just hard to talk about her, you know?"

"Let's talk about her right now." Niall says, sitting down next to me. "Start from anywhere."