Adventures Without Maeve

16. Love You Endlessly

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There are so many things that I wish I could have told M. Things I was scared to say, but now I want to share them all. But my time has gone, and I never have time to tell her in dreams. I cannot think of any other way to do this. She will never get to read this. Never even know of its existence. But here is my letter. About everything I have never said to her. And everything I wish I could tell her now.

"I remember the first time we kissed, your lips felt soft and perfect. All I could think about was kissing you again when I saw you. I knew that I would never get sick of your kisses. It was the same day we said I love you. That was easily one of the best days of my life.

I'm not sure if you would remember this one, but we went to your aunt's house for a week. She lived in the middle of nowhere. And you had the great idea of taking an adventure on the four-wheelers. Both of us on one, but you driving. You drove us through so many mud holes that we were practically eating it. And you almost drove us of the mountain once, but you kept saying that you knew exactly what you were doing. So I kept quiet and let you do it. That was the moment I realised that I would follow you anywhere.

I am sure you remember this one. It was late April and it was pouring the rain, we could barely see anything out the windshied. You weren't even scared. Your hand was resting on my thigh and you kept telling me it was okay. You were always the strong the one. I was terrified that we would wreck and I would lose you. But it didn't even phase you. You said that you trusted me with anything. And that was the moment I knew that you would follow me anywhere too.

I never told anyone this but, I used to wake up early in the mornings and write about how beautiful you were to me. A few songs on the album were definitely wrote about you. But as hard as I tried I could never captivate how beautiful you were. No words were good enough.

I have tons of stupid pictures of us on my phone. You used to curse at me to delete them, and I said I did. But I never could. They were special to me. I liked seeing us be idiots together. But my favourites are the ones where you didn't know I was taking a photo. You look gorgeous in all of them. One day I want to get them printed off for us.

I would cry for you on tour. Sitting in the back of the bus, flipping through all of those silly photos. Wishing that you were there with me. It helped. You always helped. Just seeing your face made feel better. You have always had that effect on me.

There is this poem that always reminds me of you. It talks about how people never realise the impact they have on others. And you didn't. You never realised how much you changed me. You made me a better person. And I can never thank you enough for that, although I am sure my mum has said it a lot.

I think I fell in love with you every day. It wasn't just once. Every time I saw you, or when you laughed. Or just anything. I fell in love with you a million times. I guess one time just wasn't enough for me.

Being away from you is the hardest thing. I never wanted to be without, but now I am. And its not easy. I feel like our time got cut short, and I just miss you. Every day. I miss you. And I could never say it enough. I want to be with you. Always. But that is getting interrupted. I always thought that we would be forever. But you have gone somewhere without me, and this time I cannot follow.

If I had the chance to take it all back, to stop my heart from breaking, I wouldn't. Never. You were worth every bit of it, and more. I would get my heart broken a thousand times if it meant I got to be with you. You are worth it all, M. You may not see it, but I do.