Adventures Without Maeve

14. Beating Hearts

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There is this one quote that Maeve showed me, she said it was us. And since then it has stuck with me. It's even true in our dreamworld.

"Our hearts beat so loud that the neighbors think we're fucking, when I'm just trying to find the nerve to touch your face."

No matter how many times we had kissed I still got those butterflies in my stomach, went weak at the knees, and my heart beat increasing by a ton. She always made me like that. And I love her for that. Every time felt like the first time with her.

The more I read out of her notebooks the more I find myself getting stronger. She says wise things in them. And sometimes it feels like she wrote them just for me. Like she knew this day would come. That I would be sat here reading these.

It's nearing seven months. And to me that seems crazy. It seems like forever ago on some days. But others it seems like it was just yesterday. Slowly the wounds are starting to heal. I have been going out with the boys more. Laughing more. Being the old me more. But the old me is gone. I will never be the same again. And that is completely okay. M changed me. She made me better. And it may take awhile for me to get completely better. Maybe never. But I am slowly getting better.

I read this one page in her notebook that struck me as beautiful. And the truth. She said it point on.

"It was like everything I have ever needed in the world was right there in front of me. Rolled up in one person. Holding the answer to every question I could ever ask."

That's the way she felt about me. And it's the way I felt about her. I couldn't have said it better. She always had a way with words. It was a gift of hers.

I'm not even done with the first notebook yet. I have been reading it for five days now. I never imagined she would put this much information in one notebook. But she truly used every line she could.

So far there has been nothing big. Nothing that answer the huge questions. But I didn't expect them to be in the first one. Otherwise there wouldn't have been more than this one.

I dream of her every night still. But I haven't remembered again. Only that one time. It would be nice if I could remember more. Maybe then I would get more answers. But these things don't work that way. Or so it seems.

The thing I can't figure out for now is if these dreams are real or not. They seem real enough. I can feel her touches, and she talks about things that are real. But how could they be? If M is gone, how is she still in my dreams like this? Or is it just that? Dreams.

I'm not sure. But I do have a feeling that everything I am feeling right now, and every question I have, can be answered in these notebooks. And maybe a little help from Indie. She told me a great deal of things the other day, but I think there is more to it than she is saying.

"Harry! Hurry up, mate!" Louis says from the door. "We are going to be late to get on stage!" I rush around the room, putting my shirt on quickly and follow him to the stage. No emotions on stage. Just me singing and having fun with the crowd. A little escape.

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"Yes, I have been." Christopher tells me through the phone. It is late at night. I was a little worried he wouldn't bother to answer, it seems I was wrong.

"And no contact between them, right?" I ask.

"No, sir. Daemon has been camping out with his old friends in London. And Indie, well she hasn't really settled down in one place." Christopher says.