Adventures Without Maeve

23. Being Apart

"To say that I was disappointed would be a lie. Because the truth is I was beyond that. I wasn't''t mad. Not quite. But I was something. It felt like crap looking at him and knowing what happened. He could deny it but, let's be honest. It happened. We all know it. Whether he intended it to be like this from the beginning or not. It happened.

It stung. My lungs felt like they couldn't get enough air. And I couldn't even answer his call this morning. He wouldn't tell me about it. He had no reason to. We weren't anything but friends. I know that. And he knows that. But it still hurts.

I had this idea in my head. And people will tell you to dream and imagine all you want. But honestly, it ruins you. It tears things apart. Because you have this idea of how it should be, but it isn't that way.

I did end up calling him back. His raspy voice filled my ears, and I wanted so badly to smile. But I couldn't. I couldn't forget what happened. We talked like always. He seemed happy. But he knew that something was wrong. So of course he asked. But how could I tell him? I told him everything was fine. But it wasn't. I was hurt, and I couldn't tell him about it. So I lied. But he knew it wasn't the truth. So I lied again, and this time he believed it.

Truth is, I didn't have to ask him if it happened. I know it happened. I know him better than anyone. I just know. He may deny it if I asked, but it happened. I could hear it in his voice. But how could I blame him? I couldn't.

If he was happy then I should be too. And happy isn't sitting around mopping. It's having fun. So I called this guy.

His name is James. For a while now he has been trying to get me to date him. I refused. I love H. But I need someone else now. Someone who doesn't have a girlfriend. Someone to help me have fun.

James was my first. It wasn't romantic. It wasn't perfect. It was quick. It hurt. But it felt okay. It wasn't upset that I lost it to someone I don't love. That didn't matter to me. I wasn't upset that it wasn't great. He said it would be better the next. So I believed him.

By Monday everyone at school had heard about me and James dating. I wasn't sure at first. But I figured I had nothing to lose anyway. He's hot. And I don't not like him.

I haven't told Harry yet. But something tells me that he will figure it out soon. James likes to take a lot of pictures of us and post the on his pages. So I wasn't too surprised when I got a text from Harry.

It read: Nice boyfriend.

I laughed a little. He sounded pissed. What a stupid thing to be mad about.

Me: He's pretty great! :) x

H: Why didn't you tell me? :(

Me: You've been quite busy with Caroline. ;) xx

H: I always have time for you though.

Me: I just didn't think you would care. I'm sorry xx

H: I care about you. xx

Me: Okay.

H: Did you guys, you know?

Me: We did. Do, I guess.

H: Was he your first?

Me: You know he was.

H: I know.

H: Was it okay?

Me: Harry.