Scars We Bury || On Hold

8//Undescribed Language

Chapter 8

"Sometimes I have kept my feeling to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in".

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Scarlett......
"Is that the reason why you don't want to wear a bikini?" Emily says raising her eyebrow and her eyes are so filled with anger and frustration.

"I......I....I...." I stammer at my words not knowing what to say. I just freeze in my place unable to talk or do anything. Emily's eyes search my whole body. Her eyes go from my head to my tip toes. My shirt falls from my hands and I stand shocked. She crosses her hands.

"You lied to me!!"

"I didn't lie." I say but my voice is so weak. It's like I am whispering to myself. I feel my legs becoming weak. I can barely stand up. I feel like I just became transparent, she saw my body. She saw how weak I am. She saw how damaged I am. She saw through me. She saw everything I tried so hard to hide. She saw my secrets. All I wanna do right now is just hide in a place where no one can see me.

"Why didn't you tell me? And Why do you have all those scars on your body?? Who did this to you!! Why did you lie to us?!" She says with so much annoyance and frustration. Words stuck on my tongue. I can't bring myself to say anything from the shock. I can't believe that someone just saw my scars and bruises. I am doomed like forever doomed. It was supposed to stay a secret. No one was supposed to know. It is supposed to be a secret buried deep down. I just want the ground to swallow me right now.

"SCAR!! ANSWER ME!! WHY DO YOU HAVE ALL THOSE BRUISES AND SCARS ON YOUR BODY!!" Emily yells at me. I feel weak....so weak...I feel like I am gonna burst out crying. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. I am so stressed and I am confused. I don't know if I should tell someone my secret or should I lie. Should I hide my secret or should I finally open up to someone. I don't know what to do but I am not ready to pour out all my secrets to someone like this. What would Emily think of me? She will pity me and I don't want to be pitied. I want someone to understand me but no one will ever understand what I have been through.

"It.....It..wa-was an accident, Em." I lied again but I can't tell her the truth at least not now. I just hope that she believes what I said. Emily looks at me in disappointment. She tilts her head to the right. She brings her arms close to her chest and she folds them. She raises her eyebrow.

"What accident would do that to you?" She says with a different tune like she didn't believe what I just said. She said waiting for my answer.... waiting for the truth...

"I had an accident when I was just 14 years old. A car hit me an-and it caused all of this." I say in a sad tune hoping that she believed what I just said. My heart is beating so fast...I am so afraid that she won't believe me. I know that she won't believe me but at least she will understand that I don't want to share that secret with her yet.

"You are lying Scar!! You are lying and I don't know why!! You look at me in the eyes and You lie to me!? THAT'S SO BRAVE OF YOU TO DO!! YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU CAN JUST SAY THE TRUTH!" She shouts at me. I feel like she just saw the real Scarlett. The one I am trying to bury along with my secrets. She just saw the real me. She won't believe any word I will say right now except the truth. I never did that before. No one ever knew that secret like no one. She will be the first to know and that terrifies me. I am terrified of what is gonna happen next. I am terrified to say my secrets out loud. I am terrified to open up to someone. It scares me so much.

"TELL ME SCAR!! WHY ARE YOU LYING!?" Emily yells at me with so much anger and I feel like I just want to scream at her and tell her that she doesn't know how I feel. She will never know the feeling of being abused. I take a deep breath and when I am about to open my mouth and speak, Jesscia enters "What is going on, Guys?!" She says before her eyes stop at me body. Her eyes wide and a look of shock appears on her face. She scans my whole body before her eyes meet mine. "What the hell is that?!" She asks with shock. "Ask her!" Emily says to Jessica. They both stand looking at me...waiting for me to speak the truth. I take a deep breath. "I am lying because the truth is hard to be spoken." I say and they both look at me with such shock. "How is the truth hard to be spoken?" Emily says frustrated. "Let me tell you how hard it is Emily!! Let me tell you how hard it is for me to speak it out loud when I have been hiding it FOR YEARS!! LET ME TELL YOU HOW HARD IT IS WHEN YOU ARE BEING ABUSED EVERYDAY FOR SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD AN INTENTION FOR DOING IT!! LET ME TELL YOU HOW HARD IT IS WHEN YOU ARE BEING ABUSED BY YOUR OLDER BROTHER! YOUR OLDER BROTHER WHO IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND PROTECT YOU!! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HARD IT IS!! TELL ME!! CAN YOU?" I say angrily. I turn around when I feel tears escaping my eyes. I feel so much anger inside me. And all that anger is turning into pain. Memories come rushing back. I remembered my mother. I remembered her lifeless body lying in front of me. I remembered trying to wake her up but she never woke up again and that's when I realized that she was gone. Tears stream down my face even harder. I clutch my chest and I bite my bottom lip trying to hold back all that pain and memories. I close my eyes in pain and all I could see is my mother's lifeless body lying in front of me. I sob so hard. My cryings are getting louder and louder but I want to let it all out. I want to be able to breath again. I am gonna let it all out. I turn around to face them. My eyes puffy and red, my mascara runs under my eyes, my foundation just faded away and all my scars and bruises started to appear again. I look at them and I find them crying. Tears are streaming down their faces too. I take a deep breath again. "It has never been easy to hide this from everyone. It hurts to hide it but it is the only choice I have." I say as I slap my forehead and I start pacing the room. I go back and forth, tears escaping my eyes. I stop pacing and I face them.
"You see those scars!" I say pointing to the scars on my face and my body. "Those are from my brother. My brother......." I can't speak. I can't speak because of the pain I am feeling. I never thought that it would be so hard. I never really imagined doing it. But it's hard....it's so f*cking hard. I take a deep breath again and I continue speaking. "My brother who is supposed to take care of me.....the one who is supposed to hold me when I am crying....the one who is supposed to be my everything in life after my mother died. He was supposed to ease my pain.....and not cause me pain...he was supposed to do that but instead he beat me.....he beats the shit out of his own sister....his blood....." I say and I cry again. This time my cryings are so loud and they cause me pain. This time I am not crying because of the pain I am feeling I am crying because I just realized how horrible my life has been and how much pain I have endured. I feel my knees getting weak. I feel unbalanced. I fall to my knees still crying. Jessica and Emily both kneel down beside me. Jessica on my left and Emily on my right. Each one of them is caressing my shoulders gently while I am crying. "I am sorry, Scar. I am really sorry." Emily says apologetically while tears escape her eyes. "I never meant to pressure you. I was just worried about you."