When I was younger, I never thought that I would be "one of those people" I'd always thought I'd be perfectly healthy like everyone else. I guess it seemed you don't get everything you thought you would. It's funny, I always told myself I'd be the one in the position to help people rather than the one that needs help. It feels weird. On the one hand, I feel my problems are small compared to people being bullied and living an unhappy life; but I can't stop feeling this way. The guilt makes me feel even worse. Little things set me off and then even after I get over it, the aftermath and thinking I'm stupid for feeling what I'm feeling makes me feel worse than I felt before. Then when I get over that, I connect that with what I felt before and feel even worse and the problem snowballs into a even worse feeling. I feel like I'm suffocation myself from being content. Sometimes I think life would be easier if I felt nothing. But then I'd be a crazy psychopath and that would be worse for people around me. I feel like I can't share these feelings so sharing them here helps a little. I know no one will read this (except for one person you know who you are) but I like to think of these short stories as my therapy of sorts. Things always make me feel bad but I know that's just what life is. But telling me that you'll always be feeling this way makes me want to die even more. I know life isn't sunshine and lollipops but I wish I had more support than a book and people who don't know how to respond. Constantly talking myself out of things but then immediately taking myself back into things, it's never ending. I hope I can make it through my life, or maybe these thoughts will stop, I guess I'll never know.
