I watched as Callum poured himself a glass of whiskey and downed it in one gulp. His dark black eyes were filled with disbelief that he found difficult to hide mixed with a strange loss and deep thoughts. He must've thought I'd gone crazy. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole as I faked confidence.
"Callum..." I touched his shoulder when I couldn't take the silence any longer.
He blinked and then turned to look at me. "Are you sure that's what you want?"
I slowly nodded my head. "I... I want to feel helpless and give up any restraint. Bondaged, blindfolded, and controlled. Only to be rescued by you. I want to be rescued by you. I want you to absolve me from all this."
"You're asking me to do the very same thing your abuser did to you." He raked his fingers through his hair.
"I know it sounds weird but I need it. I need to feel again. I'm asking you this because I trust you. Hindi ka katulad nila, Callum. I know you won't do anything against my will. I want to know you won't...
"He lightly brushed his palm against my cheek. His dark eyes showed pain and pity. "I'll only be feeding your demons. I can't do this to you."
"Gusto kong kalimutan ang pambababoy nila sa akin. I don't know how to explain this to you but I feel like this is the only way I'll ever feel safe and comfortable in my own body."
"It's called repetition compulsion. I've seen it in alot of traumatized patients. There's power in taking something someone has done to you and reinacting your version of it on yourself. Since what you want is control of your sexuality, you are trying to incorporate your experience to it. You know it's a safe controlled environment and your mind wants to master what has happened to you by reliving it but with a different result." He explained.
"Will you help me, Callum? Heal me." I begged.
"I want to help you but it's not a healthy impulse. You might re-traumatize yourself. It's only going to make it worse."
"I'll tell you when I've had enough. I need to feel pain for something to feel better. I need it to heal." I said. "You're the only one I feel comfortable with because I know you can help me. I need you to silence my demons."
"Are you sure you want this?" There was resignation in his voice.
I nodded my head. He poured himself another glass of whiskey and drank.
Callum tied both my wrists in front of me. I couldn't see anything as my eyes were already covered with a sleeping mask. I could feel the rope slowly tightening around my wrist as he knotted them together. My heart thumped against my ribs.
I gasped when he gave it a little yank. "Is this tight enough?"
"Yeah..."
I could feel his breath against my ear. "Remember, you have control over how much power you want to give me. You're in control of this. Anything I do to you, you can stop anytime you want. You understand?"
I nodded my head.
"What exactly do you want me to do to you?" He asked.
"I want you to treat me like the way they did. I want to be forced. Get as rough with me as you want." My voice shook as tears began to wet my eyes. I wanted it to be replaced with Callum's touch and kisses.
He pressed a kiss on the side of my head and it trailed down my cheek reaching down to my jawline. He pressed small gentle kisses on my lips, softly grazing his against mine. I took a sharp breath when he suddenly nipped my bottom lip with his teeth. My open mouth allowed him to slip his tongue inside my mouth. I could taste the whiskey he drank. His tongue deliciously explored every corner of my mouth.
