Plus Size Queen

Saved before High school

The knife was in my hand. I held it tightly. I looked at it with tears falling on it. I held My breath and slice my wrist hoping it cut open a vain. It hurt so much but I didn't care I wanted to end my life so I don't have to live this type of crappy lifestyle. I am only thirteen and I have to hurt so much. I just keep cutting deeper. They will be okay without me. I started cutting in different direction. I just started curving without thinking about what I was doing. I sniffed up my snot and tried to figure out who name I had wrote. The blood covered it so I could hardly read it. I think it was better that way. I started to cut my other arm. I just cut parallel lines. I tried not to yell out loud and just kept cutting. I wasn't cutting deep but you could see the lines forming after I went through it again. My head hit hard against the floor. I closed my eyes. What should I dream about before I go. I always wanted to dream about being skinny but I don't have that big of an imagination.

I was in a dark place. I knew it was a long hallway because I could hear the echo of my boots clacking on the floor. Is this where my life in? In a hallway? I saw a bright light start to shine at one end of the hall. I swallowed my spit and slowly walk towards the light. I heard my dad yell "Don't go towards the Light Jamie!!" I turned to direction the nose was coming from. It was on the dark side. I looked between the light and the dark. My dad repeating the same thing and the sounds of innocent angels clashing together. I did this for a reason. I don't want to go back on earth and regret this decision. I took a deep breath and walk toward The light. The way that my father voice is fading makes my hurts. I stopped and looked back. I already know when I wake up mom going to smack me upside the head. I looked forward and ran towards the lights. The sound of angels getting louder and louder until it suddenly stop. Everything went quiet.

My eyes was opened to a bright light and to me breathing heavy. I heard my quick heart beat replaced by beep of some machine. I ran my hands through my hair then started feeling my face then put my hand on my chest. I looked down at my hands to see my arms wrapped in bandages. I sat back on the bed. I went the wrong way and came back to my parents. I sobbed. I missed my opportunity. I turned my head and saw my daddy. His eyes was swollen. I rolled my eyes and saw mom wasn't here. She never cared. Why is she like that? I wiped my eyes with my bandaged. I don't want to be here. My dad head julted up. 

"Are you OK? I thought you was never going to wake up." He grabbed my hands and started thinking God. This is the frist time I heard talking about God. This is also the first time seeing him cry. Despite that I don't care. I snatched my hand away from him. 

"I'm not OK. I wanted to die. You should have just let me die." I looked away from him and hope he would just leave. I then relized my dad isn't that type of guy. He won't let go so easy. He wants to get what he wants or no one can be happy.

"I can't do that." He went on the other side of the bed where I was facing and sat down.

"Why?" I half yelled.

"Because I love you to much to leave you. That's why I have to decide we are moving and we going to start new. A fresh start." A fresh start. A fresh start. Start new. Leave Califorinia. The state of the small. The pain I will always remember.

"What will that do? We are just running away."  I said

"No. I always hated this place. I was born here. I can't stay any longer. If I stay i will go bold." He said running his hands through his hair. I couldn't help but laugh. He smiled at me and held my  hand.

"Is there a possiblity I will be happy?" I said to dad. 

"Of course honey. I promise." The  nurse came in with a bucket of some type of liquid an a new roll of bandage. She unwrapped my arm and cleaned it. She was so serious. She re-wrapped it and went to the other arm. I was dying to know who name I put.  I looked at dad leaving the room. He could never handle blood or scars. I then looked at the nurse ask she slowly unwrapped the bandage.  I looked at the nurse as her eyes widen and I looked at my arm. The name on my arm. It was....... In all caps... Brett.