Smoke

36: Progressing

I walked to Skill Management class among a crowd of people all talking, all with their friends. Reaching the door, I looked at Elinora greeting each person. I walked past her quickly, but could feel her eyes follow me. Setting my stuff down, I looked around. I was one of the last people to enter and sit down before the bell rang.

Elinora came inside the doorway, but stopped and held it open.
"Cecil, may I speak to you?" My eyes met hers as she called my name, and I nervously glanced around, quickly got up and walked outside the classroom with Elinora.

She closed the door so we could talk privately.
"How is your power progressing?" She asked me calmly.
There was a pause before I responded, "It's fine."
She waited for a more descriptive answer.

"I, uh, got some help from another student. I think I'm progressing, but..." I sighed, feeling the heat from the fire, the curling of the smoke and nervousness. I glanced at her, then away.
"I want to get better faster. And I can't really do it in public." I said quietly, closing my mouth tightly afterwards.

She nodded as I talked, and replied quickly.
"You only need to practice it. Everyone wants to develop their powers and be done with it, but it's a process. And, this is a good thing to remember, no one has the same power as you. If something happens and you're embarrassed or ashamed," she paused, meeting my eyes.

I looked away, stomach turning. "Then just deal with it and play it off. They don't know your power, so they wouldn't know anything about it. You also have to keep in mind that others are going through, or have gone through, what you are, just in a slightly different way." She said, looking at me. This sounded like one of my books.

There was a pause and I could hear the silence of the hallway. I heard the sliding of my feet against dusty tile as I waited.
"Is there anything else that I may help you with?" Elinora asked. I looked away, my mind going blank.

"No--" I said automatically, but there was something, and my stomach curled and heart started to beat faster. I froze, my voice cutting off. I wasn't sure if I should tell her about the fire, about the power changing. Unless it was there the whole time, and then I wouldn't have anything to ask about.

"No?" She confirmed. I nodded in agreement. She pursed her lips, a lingering gaze, and we went back into the classroom.

I annotated my books, but as I did so, many things came up in my mind that she could help with. The dangers of my power, how I could control it, how I can use it... I pushed it all further away in my mind, not willing to walk back up to her and ask, not willing to have other people overhear my concerns.

I annotated the books, half-paying attention. I still struggled with reflecting on the themes in the pages, but I might be getting better.

Like, the one book about being myself. As much as I didn't want to or as much as I denied it or hid it, in public, I was never really myself. I had no friends to express myself to, and I didn't want anyone to see me and my weaknesses. But I didn't know what to do about that.

Danny and Oliver already knew my weaknesses, though, I thought, stomach curling nervously at the idea of Danny reading my thoughts, at the idea of Oliver seeing me with my last friends.

I hid those thoughts away, too, and continued annotating.