Smoke

21: Results

When I got to drama class, I saw a piece of paper on the wall, and saw everyone huddling around it.

My heart pounded and stomach turned. I couldn't look at it, but my feet took me towards it. The room felt tight and loud and empty of air.

As the swarm thinned, I got closer to the paper. I was right in front of it. I could hear everyone else's sighs and exclamations.
My eyes were focused on my shoes, my heart hammering.

I couldn't bring myself to look at it, until I did, my eyes skimming down to where my name was.

It wasn't at Juliet, and my stomach dropped.
Tech Crew. That's what it said.

I closed my eyes, feeling the air crush me, feeling the smoke pulling up from my lungs. I was part of tech crew, who handled effects and lights and sounds and everything I didn't want to do.

I felt heavy as I sat back in my seat. I looked at Oliver, who was smiling widely.
"Did you get the part?" I leaned in and asked him, smiling.

"Yeah." He responded quickly, excitedly. His smile dulled after he said it. "Sorry you--"
"No, it's fine." I interrupted. "Tons of other people didn't get the role, either. So I'm not the only one who's..." I shook my head, thoughts pooling and falling and jumbling. "I'm happy for you." I smiled again quickly before turning away.

The teacher started talking about rehearsals every week, about talking to the crew leaders and eachother and him for questions.

I wrote down the important dates and information, but everything else he said was a blur of words, uninteresting and not critical to know.

I would spend another year in the background, but this time with no friends, no control. But at least Oliver was happy.

He spent the rest of class going over the script. The Tech Crew members and I exchanged information and talked, not needing to do anything yet, besides determine what jobs everyone had.

The leader of Tech Crew introduced himself as Danny, saying we were all chosen for a reason. As if this was some special club or something. The rest of us introduced ourselves with our names. I had trouble listening in, instead getting distracted on why I was actually put in here. My audition must've gone horribly wrong to be here.

"You- you, all of you, were put in Tech Crew beca- because of your powers and how they can be used to- to make the show better." His words were stuttered and stumbled over each other.

"For example. Cecil." He said. My eyes flicked to him, and he was looking back. His eyes were full and not quite there, like he had so many thoughts that he wasn't even present, that he couldn't focus. "You had a- a great audition," He half-smiled as he talked, "but your smoke could be great as an effect instead of you just acting."

My thoughts went silent as I stared at him, face reddening, called out. "And you, with- with the light and the," he turned to someone else, making motions with his hands to act out them using their power. He nodded at them, "that would be great as a sort of stage light." I started to zone out again, not caring, heart beating faster than it was before he outed my power to everyone in the group. But then he glanced at me and I forced myself to pay attention.

It was like he knew exactly what I was going to do, what I was thinking. That's probably what it was. Mind reading, I thought, before focusing in again.

"Anyway, the- the point is that your powers could be dev- developed and used," he went silent for a second, thinking, "so that you gain more out of your power, or you gain experience--" he shook his head, clearing his thoughts. "Being in Tech Crew will allow you to use your power and learn how to control it better." He nodded, done talking.

I looked at everyone else. Some were nodding excitedly, but others, including me, were saddened about not getting the roles they wanted.

The Tech Crew leader looked at me, looked at them, and nodded. "You'll gain more from Tech Crew than if you were Juliet." He looked at me, and my stomach nervously dropped.
"Or Romeo, or Tybalt, or Lady Montague..." he trailed off, looking at everyone, shaking his head again, closing his eyes momentarily.

He moved his long hair out of his face. "So just deal with it and try to find the good in this situation, alright? At least you all get some new friends." He said, glancing at me. It made my skin heat, nervous and on edge.

It made me uncomfortable that he knew what was going on with me, what I was thinking all the time. I wondered how much he had overheard in my mind, feeling embarrassed that all of my petty and lonely thoughts were out in the open for him.

The bell rang, and I picked up my stuff, walking to lunch. I glanced back, seeing Oliver smiling with his friends and the people who had gotten the roles.

At least he was happy, I thought, going to lunch, to eat food with my no friends.

As I ate alone, I realized that a slight comfort with him reading my thoughts, if not only the feeling of violation, is that he, that someone knew how alone I felt.

I saw Oliver sitting far away with his friends, saw Danny glance at me from where he was, sitting with some of the people in Tech Crew.
He smiled at me, and I looked away, down at my lunch, feeling my stomach flip.

I didn't want anyone knowing what I was thinking, what I was feeling, when I didn't understand it, when I didn't want it. I didn't want sympathy for my problems, I wanted the problems to go away.

I ate my lunch alone, swallowing down the smoke, waiting until the next class period and then when I could go home.