Smoke

39: Balanced

Oliver and I were sitting on the couch. I hadn't taken my books home but we could still work on my powers, could still talk about how to analyze the books.

"You want to look at the stories and their morals. Like they're picking at what's wrong with you, right?" He said, and I nod. He's been over for a while, but it felt like nothing.

"Like, with me, the books were talking about being sympathetic. As if they were saying 'you have no feelings' or 'you're thick headed and thick skinned' or something." He said and half-smiled, glancing at me. "So just look at it like the books are telling you what you need to change about yourself to get more balance in your life." He finished. I nodded.

"So, by what you're saying," I started, furrowing my eyebrows, trying to comprehend the idea. He stopped and listened, and my eyes met his. "The books are telling me that I have no friends?" I said, rolling my eyes. "That was pretty obvious." I added. He laughed, and I breathed a laugh too.

"No, well, you do have friends." He replied. "You have me, right?" He smiled. "Maybe it's telling you to be more open." He shrugged. I nodded, not completely understanding.

But then my stomach lurched and I knew exactly what it was referring to. The smoke, the fire, hiding in my body, always building up. The books wanted me to do the opposite of what I wanted.

But if it was supposed to give me balance... I shook my head, blinking. We had gone silent, with me thinking and with him looking at me.

"Is that what it's telling you?" He asked quietly. I glanced at him, then away, nodding. It suddenly felt nervous, felt closed off and I felt claustrophobic.

"Well," he paused, "you don't have to tell me anything. It's probably being open with yourself or your family or something. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable." He said. I nodded.

Even though he said that, I knew that it was referring to everyone in my life. My friends, my family. I had never really gotten to know anyone in this new school, had never told Mom about the fire.

I couldn't decide if I should tell him or not. He looked at me, eyes wide and full and open. No matter how many times he's said I shouldn't be ashamed of my power, I am. But even though he said I didn't have to share anything, I sort of wanted to.

As a second went by, I remembered being in Skill Management and looking at those pictures. There were people doing what I could do if I only tried. It hadn't seemed scary then. I had been excited to do it, to show others that I could. To confide in someone else about my power.

"Oliver?" I asked, glancing up at him, pushing through the buzzing silence that had just settled in the house.

"Yep?" He asked back, looking up at me. I could feel my stomach burning, could feel the smoke thickening the air inside of me. My heart started to beat faster and my body was static like the silence a few seconds ago.

"I do want to tell you." I said, then paused, swallowing through my suddenly dry throats. Strands of dark smoke came up with my words, with my breaths, and floated up through the air. I could feel it warmly against me, rising, could hear the air conditioning blowing, could hear mother in the other room. He looked at me, waiting. As my breaths continued, I opened my mouth to speak. The smoke was dryer, darker, thick with heat.

"I can, uh," I paused again, seeing the dark smoke leave with my shaky breath. "I can breathe fire." I said, and as I spoke it, I saw the light from it, felt the heat inside my mouth. His eyes lingered on mine before he caught sight of the glow. His blue eyes widened, a smile caught on his face. My eyes dropped, I looked away, redness coming to my cheeks.

"Like a dragon." He whispered, a wide smile on his face. I closed my mouth, nodding, slightly embarrassed. That didn't really feel like I wanted it to, didn't really feel all that balancing.

But as my eyes went back up to his, seeing the smile on his face, a small smile grew on mine also. It wasn't that bad, sharing my power. He made me feel kind of...
"Cool." He said, nodding, pulling his curly hair away from his face.

When we were done, I went back up to my room, feeling excited and more confident in myself than I had been the last couple weeks.
It really did feel good to confide in someone. I did feel more balanced.