Smoke

37: Lunch

The past few weeks, I have been working on controlling the smoke.

But no matter how much I worked on it, I could still feel it, could feel the fire in my stomach, swirling and creating heat and a thickness in my lungs. But I could control it better, could prevent it from coming out. At least, I thought I could.

In drama, I grouped up with the Tech Crew, while Oliver and others rehearsed their parts. We were working out the technicalities of using our powers for the show.

I watched and listened as Danny guided us, telling us how we would use our powers to help make the show better.

He wanted the one girl, with the light in her hands, to make spotlights, to do all of the lighting. He wanted another person to use their telekinetic abilities to move the curtains and doors. He wanted me to make smoke as some sort of theatrical smoke. Never mind how that would work-- I couldn't even do it. Not in public.

There came a point this past week where I realized that this school took everything normal about my life and make it all about using our abilities. The ability I had is what caused this to all go bad. I would've had friends. I would've had a normal drama class. I would've been in a normal school, not one filled with these kids. My life would've been better. I would've had friends. I would've lived normally.

I didn't want to get better at using the smoke anymore. I wasn't trying as hard today as I have been the last few weeks; I was sick of this power. I wanted it to go away, but no matter what, everything just had to be about this power.

I caught Danny looking at me, concerned. I looked away, face reddening, embarrassed but mad, frustrated. I could feel the smoke hitting against my throat, the fire burning through me.
He didn't even do what I wanted him to; he was still listening in.

He finished what he was saying, and told everyone he would explain it in more detail later, and to practice for now. We all separated our chairs, and I tried not to look up, to look at him. But I could tell he already was focused on me, was already watching me.

"Cecil." He said quietly, leaning towards me to stay hushed.

There was nothing he could say to me that I wanted to hear, though, and I didn't respond.
He sighed and looked away, minding his own business.

I sat the whole period, trying to control the smoke enough to have it not escape my mouth. This counted as practicing, I reasoned, and I just sat, stewing, waiting for the bell to ring.

And when it did, I grabbed my stuff and quickly left, going to lunch. I could hear someone's shoes scuffing, sliding against the dusty ground to leave after me.

"Cecil." It was Danny who was following me, who had somehow caught up so quickly to me that he was right behind me, then right beside me, then in front of me, making me stop.

"What?" I asked sharply, looking around him at the courtyard filling up. He remained silent until I looked at him. He looked like he was thinking. "Are you trying to read my thoughts again or something?" I said after more silence from him. He sighed, glancing away then back, his green eyes meeting mine, my stomach turning.

"No. I," He exhaled a huff, "I don't mean to do that. It just happens." He said. I moved to go around him, he moved with it. The stream of kids all around us thickened.

"Yeah, alright." I said sarcastically, moving sharply around him, walking with the crowd to lunch.

"Your thoughts are louder than the others, I can't help it!" I heard his voice following me, and I rolled my eyes, flustered and frustrated. He was beside me again, pushing through the crowd to stay there. "Do you want to sit with me at lunch?" He asked, as if I wasn't mad at him.

"I think you know the answer to that." I replied tightly, pushing through the crowd to get ahead.
"You sit alone, it would be a nice change. I want to talk to you." He offered. He just didn't get it.

"I'd rather sit alone right now, Danny." I said, his name in my mouth making my stomach twinge slightly.

I heard a sigh, saw him give up and slow down, and I let myself be pulled by the crowd. I could feel the smoke in my mouth, the fire on my tongue, and I exhaled, being left alone.

As I ate, sitting alone like always, I found myself wondering what his company would be like. He did make efforts to connect with me, to be a friend. But, as my eyes drifted to him, sometimes meeting his green ones, I looked away again, my thoughts blanking coldly, my stomach swirling.

I wanted a friend, but I pushed him away. I had Oliver, though. Maybe he could be enough for me, I thought, even though sometimes he wasn't. Smoke left my mouth, thick and dark.

My eyes caught with Danny's again, and held for a few seconds. It might've been nice to not push him away. He did seem like he wanted to help, like he wanted to understand...

I pushed the thought away and ate my food, swallowed down the smoke, dealing with the fact that I chose to sit alone, that I barely had control of my powers.