Smoke

33: Control

I sat on my bed in my room, my hands gripping my bedsheets. I was staring at my wall. Theater rehearsal was tomorrow, and I still couldn't control my powers.

I felt my stomach curl with anxiety, with nervousness. I was so not ready.
Seeing those pictures and words of people fire-breathing, whether it was fake or not, was thrilling. But now, the inspiration was flickering, was almost gone, replaced with worry. If I did try to fire-breathe, or smoke-breathe, then the house would get all smoked up or it would burn down. I would be responsible.

And even though I went to Low Oak, my neighborhood wasn't safe to practice in. An open backyard, talkative neighbors, kids everywhere... not a good mix for me.

So if I wanted to get anything done, to make any progress with my power, I would have to do it by myself. I hadn't talked to Oliver again about wanting help with my power. That would be too embarrassing, just showing my power off with him watching, even if I had accidentally done it before. I had to do this alone.

Gripping my bedsheets tighter then letting go, I closed my eyes, feeling my chest rise and fall with my breaths. The smoke was in there somewhere. I could feel it swirling, stuck. Trying to focus even more on the smoke, I continued thinking about my breaths and the smoke. Tried to breathe faster to activate it or something. Tried to think about school. My lost friends.

Eventually I felt thin strands of smoke rising up. I opened my mouth, opened my eyes, seeing the smoke leave smoothly up and out of my mouth. It was strange, seeing it when I wasn't freaking out. Even though there wasn't much, I felt like I was in control. Finally in control of this power.

My mind went blank, as smooth as the smoke. But as it continued pulling out of me, I saw it darken, thicken into bigger clumps of grey smoke pooling out of my mouth. My heart started to beat faster, and I closed my mouth.
It curled inside my mouth, up my throat, and I coughed, seeing it puff out, released into the air.

I could feel my heart beating louder, and I shook my head. I had to have progress before the next rehearsal, or else I would embarrass myself. Squinting my eyes shut, I tried taking deep breaths, ignoring the tickling against my throat, thinking past the smoke stuck in my mouth.

I felt it go away, back down to where the fire is. I wasn't ready for that. Opening my eyes again, I looked around my room. Smoke was all around me, thickening the air and making it blurrier. Strands and beams of light were filtering through the smoke, looking hazy and bright.

Despite my struggle at the end, I did it. I had controlled the smoke enough to not cough it up, to not choke, to not have the fire come up.

I got up slowly, feeling the silence in my room, and opened my door. The smoke slowly dispersed into the rest of the house, and I watched it from my doorway, seeing it pull past me into clean air.

Mother walked past my doorway, turned and we met eyes. I could see her confusion, her worry, in them.

"Did you... Are you alright, sugar?" Mom asked, her voice quiet and concerned.

"Yeah... I was just practicing." I replied, nodding quickly. I could feel a slight tension, and I just stood there, waiting for a response from her.

"Oh, okay. I can help with anything if you need it." She said, smiling slightly.

"Thanks." I smiled back, and she turned away and continued walking. I felt a nervousness, a slight embarrassment, but shook it off, looking back at my room. The smoke had dispersed, and a smoky, burning smell was now faintly detectible through the whole house. I walked to the kitchen, getting water. My body felt light as I moved, like the smoke was finally making me weightless instead of making me feel heavier.

If I continued practicing, maybe I could control it. Maybe I could stop using it all together, I thought, drinking the cold water.