Smoke

45: Friends

I sat on the bus, leaning into the seat, tired and bored and anxious. Oliver and I had been talking less recently. He was probably getting bored of me.

But, as we talked less and less, Danny talked to me more and more at lunch. It was a strange trade between friends, but it probably didn't have to happen. I could probably make both of them still be friends with me.

Oliver sat down next to me, and I looked over at him.
"Hey," I said, and he looked back, smiling quickly.
"Hi." He said.

"How's theater going? With the acting, uh, is it fun?" I asked, trying to sound relaxed. He nodded.
"Yep, its all going great. All of the actors really have to know their lines, and," he glanced at me, glanced at the air in front of him and froze. But he got out of it a second later, and continued. "And, well, we really have to get to know our power, to control it onstage. We also really have to get to know each other." He nodded, glancing at me and away. I nodded with him.

"So, really," his words were slightly clipped, "you could be an actor next year, because you're getting to know people, you'll control your powers better..." he trailed off, looking at me. I nodded, smiled. But my stomach dropped as he spoke. No matter what I did I would have to learn to control this power. No matter what, it would still be there. The smoke and fire would always be a part of my life.

"Are you excited?" Oliver asked, voice faint and unfocused as I thought. But he looked at me, blue eyes bright as they stared into mine, and I left my thoughts.
"What?" I asked, half-sure he spoke at all.

"Are you excited for our show soon?" He asked.
"Oh, uh, yeah. I'm just not sure I'm ready." I said quietly. I felt the bus shake, rumble, move. We were on our way.

"Sure you are." He shrugged. "If I can do it, you can do it." He said, nodding at me. I smiled back.
"Thanks, Oliver." I said.
"Yep. What are friends for?" He replied, smiling back, and we sat in a silence. I was glad he wasn't sick of me yet.

Despite Oliver's encouragement, I could still feel a curl in my stomach of the anxiety and smoke rising up. The first show was soon and I would have to  use my power in public, to people I would see again. I thought back to the nurse when I first came here. She had helped me. And now she knew about the smoke, about how unstable I was.

If I messed up during the show, everyone would know what I could do. If the fire showed, they would know I had fire. I could burn everything to the ground. And, I thought, stomach lurching and body going cold. Everyone would see me using the fire. Mom would see the fire. I couldn't deal with this, but it was too late. I couldn't back out of theater; I had to go through everything until I was out of it. Maybe next year I wouldn't do theater.

Oliver left, and I continued panicking by myself. I wished he was still with me, but then my mind went a different way, and I wished Danny was sitting with me. My stomach lurched as I thought about him with me, and I used that to distract myself away from the thoughts about the smoke and fire. Danny would encourage me, would help guide me.

As I thought about him, my mind drifted further, picturing him sitting close to me right now, imagining his hands, one running through his hair, the other on mine-- I froze. My stomach skipped as I thought about it. No way could I be thinking about this, but I was. My face heated as I realized how horrible this was. I liked Danny.

My stop came and I walked home, tuning out of cars and kids and birds all trying to be the loudest. But the loudest were my thoughts about Danny. I didn't just want to be his friend.

I understood why I would like him-- he's nice, he's cute, he understands me, or at least tries to... I definitely liked Danny. But now, as I realized this, I also realized he would find out soon. Since he's always reading my mind... It was only a small matter of time until he found out, until he stopped hanging out with me.

I walked along the sidewalk to my house, thinking about Danny and hiding it from him. But there was no way, unless all I thought about was theater, was the smoke and fire. Then I wouldn't think about Danny, I hoped. I just had to be anxious all the time, to be nervous about this power, and he wouldn't find out.

I reached my door and I went inside to think, hopefully not about Danny, and to rest.