Smoke

46: Tech Week

The first show was coming up. During rehearsals, we had been grouping up with the actors. Oliver glanced at me every now and then but never came over to talk during breaks. I could tell I was worrying about it by the way Danny glanced over at me every so often.
"I'm fine." I said quietly, and he nodded, going back to what he was doing.

When it reached Tech Week, my nervousness was at a high. We were having the actors stand on stage while the girl with the light-hands, who's name I learned was Ellie, was figuring out how to make a spotlight from so far away. Danny was going through it with her, talking, giving tips.
"Try to, uh, visualize it. And feel it." Danny guided her. Slowly, she managed to expand the light from her hands, make it bigger and brighter. My stomach twinges as Danny looks at me. I look away, but look back when he talks.

"Cecil, can you, uh," He made a hand motion like me puffing out smoke, and I stared at him for a second before nodding slowly.
"Yeah." I said quietly, even though I was pretty sure I couldn't.
"Use visualization." Danny added, and waited. I looked at Oliver onstage, watching me, and I swallowed down my fear. But it came back up with the smoke, and I could feel a lightness in my body as the smoke rose out of me. Every time he mentioned visualization I could never do it. I didn't know how to 'visualize' smoke.

I watched it pour out of me, thickening the air. The auditorium was too big for me to make theatrical smoke. There wasn't enough smoke inside of me to do it.

I could feel Oliver and Danny watching me, along with everyone else. Ellie's lights flickered as she glanced up at me. I watched the smoke as it rose, white and thick, out of me. I could feel the air in my body leave with it, and I was breathless, feeling it pour out of me. I remembered the bathroom, and my heart skittered. I looked at Danny, and my stomach turned. My eyes turned towards Oliver and then to the floor as I continued.

They all eventually looked away and I continued puffing out smoke until I couldn't breathe, until he room was somehow full, until the smoke turned black. I closed my mouth, and Danny nodded and smiled at me. Everyone moved on to the next person, the next instructions, but my mind was stuck on Danny, on how I didn't set fire to anything yet, on how I used this power in public.

Tech week continued, and each day I used the powers more. I kept the fire hidden, closing my mouth when the smoke got dark, no matter what. But as the week went on, the time became less and less between the smoke being white and turning black. Maybe, I thought hopefully, the smoke was running out and this power was just a fluke. Maybe it was all over.

But I went home and I practiced, finally, trying to visualize. All I could see was Danny's smile directed at me, and then when I tried to turn my mind away from it, all I could see was my blanket on fire and all I could feel was the heat against my hand, the heat inside my stomach and mouth and whole body. I was afraid of the fire coming out again and burning me, burning something else. The fire was bad, but it was only a matter of time until it came out.

I still hadn't told mother, and that thought was always on my mind. Every time I looked at her, talked about theater and school, every time she brought up the burning blanket and getting a new fire extinguisher for the house, my stomach would turn and I would feel the fire in me, and the fear of it would grow in me.

Tech week went by quickly, and soon, it was time for the first show. When I though about it, my stomach turned and my heart beat faster. I didn't want to disappoint anyone, but I didn't want to hurt anyone or let them know about the fire, either. I would try to keep it a secret forever, I decided.