Smoke

19: Car Ride

"How were auditions?" Mother asked me as I got into the car.
I shrugged. "I don't know." I said quietly, face probably still red.

"Why not?" She asked, glancing at me quickly, the car starting to move.
I was silent for a long moment, trying to form words past the smoke, trying to not relive the embarrassment I just experienced.
"Some of the smoke, uh," I decided to answer but then stopped talking, taking a breath, trying to prepare to say the rest of the sentence. "It escaped while I talked. And so the teacher saw it, and the other people saw it, and, just, everyone saw it." I said, my voice quiet, leaning back into the seat.
I heard the whish of the air conditioning circling the car, felt it coldly against my hot skin, and felt my stomach churning.
"That's okay." She said after a moment.
"I didn't want anyone to see me," I swallowed through my dry throat, "using my power." I finished, my voice fading out.

"Sugar." She glanced at me. "That's what this school is for. It's so you can use your power freely, without worrying about it." She shook her head. "I bet so many other students did the same thing that you did, with their own powers. Stop worrying about it, okay?" She said, looking at me reassuringly at a red light.
I nodded, not totally convinced.

Maybe I would get the part even though I didn't control my power that well. Why not, right? Give the new girl a chance to make friends, to be a part of something.

But, then again, the teacher probably would think I'm too nervous to play a big role. Which I was.
I felt my stomach curl with anxiousness and smoke and fire. I would probably mess up, anyway, even if I did know the lines. I wasn't even as into it as last year, anyway. If I don't have friends then what's the point? Why would I even try? A big role is supposed to have a lot of friends and support and chemistry with the other actors. A bigger part probably wasn't realistic for me.

I listened to the road, felt the car rumbling and vibrating underneath me.
No way would he cast me when he has all of those other students vying for the big roles, and when he could choose someone who had their life together.

I sighed quietly, seeing grey smoke rise up from my mouth. It curled into my face and got into my eyes, my nose, up past me and dissipating into the air.

I wouldn't even want to deal with me. A new student, no control of her power, who probably sucks at acting. I might as well just give up even wanting the role, I thought, staring at the smoke rising darkly from my mouth.