Smoke

48: Onstage

I felt my stomach dropping when they let people in.
"Okay. Just relax and wait for your cues." Danny was on the walkie-talkie again. I looked back at the sound booth and looked at his silhouette from across the auditorium. Nothing left to do but wait.

Thoughts went through my mind quickly, pulling through me just fast enough to realize they were there. The smoke detectors might go off, even if the ones in the bathroom that one time didn't; the smoke could come too early; I could burn something down with the fire... these thoughts continued until the lights dimmed. My heart beat faster and I felt queasy as someone started talking on stage, as the actors waited or passed by me.

I saw Ellie up in the cat-walk, focusing her hands. I saw the flash of the light from her hands. The whole beam, from her palms to the stage, was visible. The other lights, the ones that they controlled from the sound booth, also shone brightly around her. The smoke did that, I saw.

Time went on and I watched Oliver act. I could see him get into it, could see him acting as Benvolio. He walked along the stage like it was natural. I didn't deserve to act in the play. I was better suited in the background.

My stomach would rise and drop every time Danny spoke into the walkie-talkie to Ellie or I. I sat quietly just on the edge of offstage, making sure the smoke levels were okay for the lights, and waiting until I had to make a low-lying smoke. Eventually, that time came.

I waited nervously until it came, until certain lines were spoken. My body flashed cold when Oliver said them.
"Blind is his love and best befits the dark." He was a great Benvolio, but I couldn't be focused on that. The balcony scene was coming up. I heard a soft static click and Danny started talking to me again.

"You know what to do, Cecil." My stomach dropped when he said my name. My body felt weightless and heavy and I was slightly shaking when I exhaled. Luckily I was on the edge enough to have the smoke appear on stage, and was on edge enough that the smoke came out easily.

It was soft and light as it came out of my mouth. I had to push the air out of my lungs quickly so that the smoke would continued across the stage instead of just floating up. I watched it, feeling my heart pounding. I zoned out of the dialogue, only hearing bits as I focused on keeping the smoke at ground level.

"But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun." Our Romeo was perfect for the role. I tried to shake my head, to shake off the feeling I had, and tried to focus on pulling the smoke out from my lungs. The glare from the lights up in the catwalk were in my eyes. Blue and pink-- they switched to the colored mood lights for this scene.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Our Juliet was also perfect for the role. I wouldn't have done any of this as well as them. They were best fit. No wonder they put me in Tech Crew.

I could feel the fire in my stomach, the burning through my body and my lungs and my throat. In Tech Week it wasn't this bad.

Oliver was offstage and I could see him walk past me, going to talk with his friends. I watched him go while also trying to focus.

I closed my eyes tightly, feeling out of breath. I pulled in thick air to my lungs and started again, feeling the burn as I breathed in smoke, as I exhaled it. I could feel the fire inside of me. The smoke was starting to darken, but the scene was almost over.

"Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow." Our Juliet said, and I stopped, suddenly breathing in air, pulling myself away from the edge of the stage, farther offstage.

I did it, but I was breathless; my heart was beating fast, loud, hard; my throat was dry. I swallowed and heard the static of the walkie-talkie.

"Good job, Cecil." My stomach turned, and I sat and leaned against a wall, trying to breathe. "Ellie, we're going back to you." They turned down the colored mood lights, and I saw the glare from Ellie's hands up in the catwalk instead of the pink and blue lights.

The smoke dispersed into the air slowly, giving a thicker haze for the lights to go through, despite what the air conditioning did to combat that. But I did it. Everything was fine. I had time until my next scene with low-lying smoke to relax.

I watched as Oliver sat with his friends. He looked at me once or twice and waved, and I smiled and waved back. He was doing great, unlike me. I was getting winded after only a few minutes of exhaling the smoke. How could I even think I would remember lines or stage directions if I couldn't even control this power?

I went through my next scenes, feeling a nervousness deeply set within me.
"Or I shall faint. A plague o' both your houses!" Mercutio said. But I was the one who was going to faint if I had to continue any longer. Danny gave feedback each time, like quicker breaths or less smoke, but told me I did a good job.
That's what kept me going, even though I was sick of it, was afraid of this power. I stopped exhaling the smoke and waited until the next scene I had to use it in.

Offstage was getting crowded with actors. With only Romeo and Juliet in this scene, I was surrounded with actors. I tried to forget about that and do my part.

"Wilt thou be gone? it is not yet near day:
It was the nightingale, and not the lark." Our Juliet said. I sighed and pulled out the smoke from within myself. But as I exhaled it out of my lungs, I could feel the burn of the fire.

I could see the smoke, thick and dark, push out of me and across the stage. It was dark across the floor of the stage. I felt so lightheaded. I had to stop for a second, feeling unbalanced and dizzy. Closing my eyes, shaking my head, I resumed. My throat was scratchy and my body, my skin, burned. I could feel the fire flicking, pulling up.

"Come, death, and welcome! Juliet wills it so.
How is't, my soul? let's talk; it is not day." Our Romeo talked as if he was the character. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't be able to do that. I would've been a terrible fit. I closed my eyes and pulled more smoke out of myself. This was the only thing I could do right now. I just couldn't mess this up, too.

"O, now be gone; more light and light it grows." This Juliet was far better than what I could ever be. I might as well not have even tried. I looked back to the sound booth. At least Danny couldn't hear my thoughts from way up here, but I could still see him watching the smoke, watching where I would be. But I was too far behind the stage to really see him and for him to really see me.

My throat burned. The scene was almost over, and I went to get up. I held the walkie-talkie tightly in my hand, as if it was a form of comfort. Remnants of smoke were still tipping into the air, down, from my mouth.  I pulled my hair out of my face and felt a heat radiating from myself.

The scene was about to end. I was standing now. I could feel a heat all over my body like sickness. I didn't feel well. I closed my eyes, took a sigh. But my body flashed cold and hot as a girl playing the nurse hurried past me onto the visible stage. She pulled past me, our shoulders bumping. I was lightheaded, sick-feeling.

I stumbled, going past the edge of where no one would see me. I was visible now, and I didn't feel good. It must've been so bad the wind was knocked out of me, and as I stumbled onstage, the fire was brought up through my throat. It was bright and big in a sudden flash, as if something just caught it right, despite the thickness in the air with the rest of the haze and smoke. I could see Ellie up in the catwalk, and her eyes met mine briefly, for a millisecond, before I looked away and stared at the fire.

"More light and light; more dark and dark our woes!" Romeo concluded the scene. The fire was giant, burning, hot and in front of me, I could feel it pulling the oxygen from the air and from me. I shut my mouth. My face was hot and red and I could hear a buzzing in the air despite the actors saying their lines. I could see the audience looking at me. Mom probably saw that, and those thoughts made my body go cold again, made me feel the embarrassment much more. I looked at Danny, seeing him stand up in the sound booth.

I ran offstage. My shoes were loud, and I pushed past the actors, past Oliver, out of the auditorium. There was a heat and a tiredness inside of me as I ran. I held the walkie-talkie tightly in my hand, hearing a static from it. The doors were louder than it, though, as I turned the handles, pushed the bars, as I hurried towards the bathrooms.