Severed Silence

Day 17

I read my journal of the last two and a half weeks tonight
God told me things before I left
He said that he loves me
even if I feel like no one else does
He told me that
I don't have to be strong alone
I didn't understand then
I do now
Day 1
I'm sad
Day 2
I'm sad
And day 3 and day 4
The pattern continues
And even after we reach the end of the 16 days, my fingers still write
I'm sad
I'm sad
I'm sad
I came home from
a stunning worship at church
And I still wrote those two words
I got home and cried,
silently helping my mom clean
She asked me what was wrong
I said nothing
But sitting in the shower tonight
I realised that what I feel
isn't sadness anymore
And then my phone switched songs and it sings
"I've got guns in my head and they won't go"
"Spirits in my head and they
won't go"
And I took my sponge and tried to scrub away the feeling
I tried to scrub away the
realizating I was having
Soon enough the bubbles turned
from white to pink as my skin rawed
But I didn't stop
Because with my realization
there came a choice
And as I scrubbed I made that choice
The bubbles turned from pink to red
As I stepped into the water it stung but that's what I wanted
It hurts to try to rid yourself
of that feeling alone
As if its an accusation
If you pretend it's not there
or scrub it away
it'll simply disappear
But pain doesn't take away pain
And in that moment
I knew what God meant
He didn't mean to punish me
He still loves me
Even if I feel like on one else does
But how can I still feel this way coming back from his presence
so real and strong?
Because I believed
Like a fool
That once I left that building
Their love for me
And his love for me
Were no longer there
I don't have to be strong enough
Because even when
they're not with me
I know they love me
And when my mom realised I was upset she didn't question it
She just layed down
and patted the spot next to her
And gave me a shoulder to cry on
But now that I'm alone in my room
My hard working mom still loves me
And my lovely friends still love me
And Father God still loves me
Even if I dont love myself
It's now day 17
And as I sit at this journal
I write two words
"I'm depressed"

"But they love me anyway
And God will make me well again"