Severed Silence

To the girl that I lost

I'm so incredibly sorry. I feel like the worst person on the planet and right at this moment, I keep thinking that you'd be better off without me, I should just die. But I know thats not the solution to this load of crap. I'm afraid of talking to you, I feel like youre too good for me now and you deserve more than to have me around you. I really do miss you so much. You're such an important part of my life and now youre gone and my heart hurts so much. The small things are the worst, like seeing you two sitting apart and seeing you and all of the others sitting there in the front row while I sit behind you staring at that fifth empty seat, or not being able to tell you that I liked the flannel you wore today.  I just miss you. I miss being able to text you when I miss the same guy I've missed all summer. I let you down in the worst way anyone can. And I'm too afraid to send this to you so I'm just going to put it on Wattpad and hope that you'll understand that you're a loss, a huge loss. I feel like you died and you left me alone and I also feel like I killed you and now I dont get to have you. I want you to forgive me obviously, but I don't think you will and I dont think you should. Ive always tried to be like you. You say that your best friend one ups you well you one up me every day. But I love that so much. Just not being able to speak sign language with you from across the room hurts, not being able to text you when I'm crying as hard as I am right now hurts. But what hurts the most is that its all my fault, that I brought this upon myself. And I'm so ashamed. And I know that if and when you tell our friends theyre going to leave me and choose you because you were in the right and I was in the wrong. If there's one thing that I could take back or redo in my life it would be that. You deserve so much more than me, you all do. I really hope you see this. I know if our friebds see this they'll start asking questions but its okay, I'm tired of secrets. Ill just hide during lunch again. I'm a thief and a liar and a murderer and I dont deserve to be in the same room as you, in the same school, at the same church. I love you more than you could ever know. And I know how it hurts, because I remember how it felt with him and you. I guess we just traded places. And it wasnt the same and I'm not saying you deserved it at all. No one deserves that. I'm just saying... I know how it feels and i... I love you and I want you to be happy and if not talking to me makes you feel better then I guess thats what we'll do. Whatever you want, Lord knows Ive done enough. Have sweet dreams