Good Enough

T h i r t y

Laying sprawled across his bed, he blinked a few times until his eyesight adjusted to the white ceiling brightened by the curtains being opened. Soft music drifted around the room from the radio he always kept on. 

I found love where it wasn't supposed to be. 

Zayn was never meant to love him, and Liam was selfish for expecting Zayn to be his lifeline. Liam was meant to die. 

Rising from his bed, Liam holds his head, he's in a short-sleeved shirt showing the cuts and bruises he had from the rocks he banged against when he jumped into the river. The white hospital bracelet slid back into place on his wrist. It glistened when pressed into his already milky skin. 

Liam wants to remember what was going through his mind when he jumped, but the only thing he remembers is thinking of Louis. 

You'll never be good enough.

Silence surrounded the kitchen where Rose washed the already spotless counter, Louis sat at sipping coffee lifelessly. The two hadn't spoken since her being fired was dissolved into the cold air of the night Liam attempted suicide. 

"Do you remember James?" Louis asks softly, he speaks with bitterness laced into his tone, it's a deep question that Rose is shocked Louis even asked it, clearly the man needed answers of some type. 

"Yes." Rose replies lightly, she keeps her back to him only glancing at the man over her shoulder, Louis sniffles, "Do you remember me before James?"

"Yes," Turning to fully face him, Rose frowns placing her rag in the sink, "Mr.Styles,"

"C-call me, Louis, please." The man pleas eyes tearing up, "Louis, losing a child can affect someone so greatly."

"B-but I-I had others, a-and-"

"You still lost one. You never really let yourself grieve him, Louis. I know you didn't. It's taken you sixteen years to finally realize this when you almost lost another one." Louis nods slowly, "Do you think he will go?"

"Liam? No." Rose leans on the counter taking Louis' mug from him to refill it, "He loves you so much Louis, he looks up to you. Liam won't go."

The two stop talking when someone behind them clears their throat, "I'm glad you think you know me so well. You can stop pampering him now, he's just upset his Fuck up didn't actually die." Liam snarls opening the fridge, Louis sobs tugging at his own hair in frustration, "Why do you think I'm so hard on you damn it?!" Louis shrieks throwing the coffee mug to the floor, Liam flinches meeting his Papa with worried eyes, Rose backs away wordlessly, both staring at Louis that's dripping with rage. 

Rage mixed with depression.

"I should have never called you that, a-and I'm sorry I did." The words are strained, going painfully against what Louis had wanted so badly to scream. 

Realizing that his Papa was once again closing up, building his wall, Liam shakes his head storming to the side of the counter where he'd be in front of him, "Fuck you. What a cheap cop-out. What's the real reason you hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you!"

"You'd fool me!" Liam challenges, Louis shakes his head tears pooling in his eyes, "I-I don't hate you L-Lee, never have I. B-but you were so-so much like me, I-I didn't want to fuck you up! I love you, a-and I loved James, y-you saved-" Louis is overtaken by his sobs, he can't finish his ramble, but Liam feels attacked by the words. 

Had not been raised by Louis helped him? He wasn't bitter like Connor, Liam wasn't as daring as Tristan, and he didn't leave like Bradley. With all the stories he'd heard, James was all three and more. He was happy. 

It clicked in his mind then, Liam wraps his arms around Louis not only needing a hug himself, but his Papa needed it too. James was just like Louis, traits all of his kids shared but Liam. 

Could it be that when Louis calling Liam a Fuck Up, he was actually talking to himself?

"You're not a Fuck Up Papa," Not truly knowing if those were the words Louis needed to hear, Liam said them anyway kissing Louis' cheek, "I'm not going to leave you." Rose watches with her arms crossed, tears stream down her cheeks as the air in the room lightens. It was as if all the weight Louis had carried all these years had diminished. 

Gone, by his most precious blessing.

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