The Perks of Being a Freak (Editing)

96. Falling In Love, Falling For You

Flying is the best thing in the world.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you fly, and when you wake up you feel weightless and perfect and amazing in every way?

Imagine feeling like that for hours at a time.

Rising upwards into the clear blue sky, my stomach was left behind, as was my fear. I watched the clouds trace against the azure. The sky was darker than it normally was. Why is that? I wondered. Why are some days darker than others? Why can’t I see right? Those scientists must suck at eyes surgery. 

I reached the apex of my flight and hovered for a moment, even though I didn’t understand how that was possible. My wings weren’t moving. They were splayed in the air, dragging at the wind. My arms rose as I began to fall back, and loose blue hair fell past my face. 

I remember being angry that my braid had come loose. 

I’m not flying, I realized, watching my hair twist above me, I’m falling.

Flying may have been the best feeling in the world, but it wasn’t my favorite feeling. If I had to choose the one sensation that I loved the most, it would have to be falling. 

Leaping off of roofs into the unknown air, letting gravity take hold of you and pull you down, even if just for a second, is exhilarating. Diving steeply, and only coming out of the dive a few hundred feet above the ground gives me a jolt of adrenaline. I loved the feeling of falling.

But I didn’t only love it because of the high.

I loved falling because it reminded me of Simon.

Nothing is predictable about a fall, except that it will happen. You jump out of a plane, and you know that you’re going to fall. You have nowhere to go but down.

But you don’t know how that fall is going to go. You don’t know if you’ll make it to the ground, or if you’ll go into a death spin or if your parachute will even open. You can’t be sure that anything is going to happen.

And falling in love with Simon was the same.

As soon as we kissed, I knew that it was going to happen. As soon as our lips touched that night on my roof, I knew that I would grow to love him. Beyond that? I didn’t have the slightest idea about what might happen.

Flying was a beautiful thing. Flying was freedom, and happiness, and exhilaration balled up into one set of brown-feathered wings sewn onto my back. Flying was my savior.

Sometimes I didn’t need freedom. Sometimes I didn’t want mindless happiness. Sometimes I needed a bigger high than what I knew was safe.

So instead of flying, I fall instead.

Sometimes I turn to my enemy instead of my friend. Instead of freedom, I get dependence. Someone who needs me as much as I need them. Instead of happiness, I get love. I get the rush that I need to feel like a person.

If I had wanted to stay with what was safe, I would have fallen for Rajeev, or for Benny, or for some other person who didn’t make leaping off of buildings a habit. If I had wanted to be safe, I wouldn’t have loved the king of the freaks.

But then I wouldn't be queen.

Maybe people call it falling in love because of that loss of control that I love so much. Giving yourself to someone so completely is terrifying.

Sometimes you need to fall to rise even higher.

I heard the screams as I fell towards the water. I wasn’t completely unconscious, not yet. Everything hurt, but it didn’t feel like anything was broken. That pain kept me awake. It kept me alive.

I was falling.

Plummeting.

Plunging.

Dropping.

Tumbling.

Twisting.

Turning.

Descending.

Diving.

Crumbling.

Breaking.

Falling towards the water.

Falling toward Simon’s voice.

“Lia no!”

Falling in love.

“I’m sorry Simon,” I whispered to the wind, wishing that he could hear me from so far away.

And then I hit the water.