Unteachable | Kylo Ren X Reader

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What was he doing wrong? What had he done wrong? Why did she run away from him tonight?

All of the questions, all of the unknowns, and all of Kylo's insecurities hit him at once and it absolutely killed him. He watched her watch out, saw the look of hurt on her face and knew he was the reason why she was running. But he just couldn't figure out why. He knew he had thrown her across the room and he knew he raised his voice at her, but why was she leaving him before that?

He cursed himself for letting his pride get in the way of his apologies, he had let his temper and his anxiety get the better of him and had snapped at her almost every day since their kids had gone missing. He couldn't help it, he felt like he couldn't apologize either so he took to dedicating everything good about himself to her. He asked her how her day was, gave her his full, undivided attention and tried to make her feel better. He had sent so many insults her way: Careless, idiotic, awful mother, among others. He knew he had hurt her, and he'd be lying if he said it didn't hurt him too. At night when he was all alone and he thought about the look of betrayal and upset on her face he always felt like the worst person that had ever existed in the galaxy, he was certain he needed to change. If not for her and the hope that, one day, his children would come back to him, then for himself.

He believed everything was going well that evening, but how did she repay him? She challenged him, she pushed him even further away than he was before and she left him under the false assumption that he hated her. Kylo stood rubbing his forehead in the shower, it had been a long, difficult, and stressful evening. Now more than ever he wanted to know where his wife went to at night. Was she cheating on him? Was she really walking around? Was she going to the playground to cry? All of his questions were completely valid, but they all caused Kylo so much anxiety. He could follow her, he could follow her on the cameras or he could chain her to his bed again. At least if she were immobile she would be unable to leave him.

He found himself pounding on the wall of the shower almost as soon as the thought entered his mind. How could he think such a thing? He was becoming a monster once again, a monster that would be willing to shackle his grieving wife to the bed just to save his own sanity. No, he couldn't possibly do such a thing. He felt it would just be the final nail in the coffin of his dying marriage. He feared if he ever got his children back y/n would leave him once and for all. It was a horrifying feeling, one that made tears well in his eyes. Whenever he worked himself into these panic attacks his thoughts just turned darker and darker. He went from wondering why his wife had left all the way to what if he got a message one day that all four of their bodies were pulled from a lake on a distant planet? He punched the wall one more time, he needed his medication and he needed it now.

He exited the shower, the doctor he had been seeing behind his wife's back had prescribed these to him. They helped him calm down, helped him think straight and took the pain away. He felt like such a hypocrite, he distinctly remembered a time when he had told her painkillers would make him weak, which clearly was not the case. He had only just recently learned that being comfortable, being able to think straight, and not feeling hopeless was perfectly fine. He reached into the medicine cabinet and pulled out the little orange bottle, shook one of the small blue pills into his hand. He rolled it around in the palm of his hand, trying his hardest to fight back his tears once again. With a heavy sigh he quietly apologized to his wife, it made him feel better even if she couldn't hear him, then he lifted his palm to his mouth and dry swallowed the pill, waiting for his anxiety levels to drop so that he could function once again.

He pulled on the pajamas he had worn before his shower and moved to exit the bathroom only to stop in his tracks when he saw his wife sitting up facing away from him on her side of the bed. During his crisis he hadn't heard her come home; But no here she was, sitting here waiting for Kylo to do something for her. She was quiet, she was still. Now was Kylo's chance, now would be the perfect time to let his wife know how much he appreciates her.