You're Not Even Mine to Miss [Fall Out Boy - Wattys 2014]

➽ Track Twenty-five (Patrick's POV).

Track Twenty-five (Patrick’s POV): Progress report: I am missing you to death.

(June 16th, 2008)

‘P,

You’re an absolute git, do you know that?

Why the bloody heck didn’t you tell me that you and Raych are officially dating?! We’re supposed to be best friends, for crying out loud! I should be the first to know. Don’t ask how I found out about it (it’s a long story, and I’ll make it easy for you) but, gosh, about time! I’m just so happy for you two the second I found out all about it!

You and Rachelle (Is it okay to call you guys as ‘Pay-chelle’ or ‘Ray-trick’ now? It seemed very appropriate at the moment) and the rest of the band should better visit me here some time. I’m expecting you guys in here as soon as possible. Nevertheless, I’m sorry that this message is shorter than usual. I’m quite busy right now because of my dad’s birthday today and we still had to finish up with the preparations and everything, but I promise that I’ll write something longer than this next time.

I miss you, and please tell the others that I miss them as well.’

Another e-mail from Donnie.

I had received five of those already (just like the other day when she and her friends had hung-out in her room, and then the day after that when she almost slipped in their bathroom after showering if it weren’t for her newfound quick reflexes), and all of them never received any reply from me.

After days of not sending her any e-mails (as a part of my ‘Attempt-to-Get-Over-Donnie-McKenzie’ plan), she was still sending me updates about her life even though I hadn’t asked her for it. She didn’t even sound mad at me in her messages, nor did she sound concern of my well-being.

And, to think that she sounded perpetually ‘happy’ after finding out about my real relationship status with RJ just made me feel worse than ever (she even mashed our names together, to my horror). I just wanted to scream out in frustration. Fuck, she still didn’t get it? She still didn’t get how much she affected me, and it was actually getting scary already, even after all this time? Was Donnie really that thick, that she still didn’t realize that all I had wanted in life was to be with her?

On the other hand (the more optimistic part of my brain was telling me to think a bit more positively), she might know all that, but maybe she just wanted me to be happy with somebody else because Donnie was certain that she couldn’t give me the equal amount of love that I wanted her to give me, and maybe she figured that I could find that kind of love from RJ. I was very sure that my best friend could only see me as a… friend. Nothing less, nothing more.

The so-called ‘friend zone’ was the last place that I wanted to be stuck in.

As I sat there in front of my computer, with my fingers hovering over the keys, I started thinking of what to type as a reply. I wanted to send a really long message for her, confessing my love for her and how hard it was to move on from her, how much I envied Pete Wentz because he had always been the love of her life, how much I missed her to death, telling her my hopes and dreams for both of us, how much I missed seeing her and being with her, and maybe ask her why couldn’t she just love me back, but I knew that I couldn’t do any of those.

I wanted to give her a progress report of some sort, but I was certain that I couldn’t put anything else aside from dating Rachelle Jane Daniels because I hadn’t exactly moved on from her yet. It wasn’t fair for RJ. It wasn’t fair for Donnie. I had to keep these troubles to myself.