You're Not Even Mine to Miss [Fall Out Boy - Wattys 2014]

➽ Track Twenty (London's POV).

Track Twenty (London’s POV): He says everything I need to hear and it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything better.

(June 3rd, 2008)

It had been nearly two weeks since I had considered England as my new home. More likely my second home though. Chicago would always be my first home—where my heart was.

Almost all of my friends from my hometown communicated with me through e-mails (most of the time) and through long-distance phone calls. I might have been enjoying my stay in England because of the freedom my parents had given me to do anything I wanted (as long as I stay away from alcohol, illegal weed and fooling around with guys) and my newfound friends, but it still wasn’t the same if I wouldn’t be able to talk with the important people I had back on Chicago. Those people were like family to me already.

Quite surprisingly (since I had never expected it to happen at all), Pete and I went back on being friends. That was perfectly fine for me. I knew that it would be a long way for us to go back on being a couple again (if ever Fate and Destiny would let that happen) and I wasn’t really sure if he had plans to ask me out again. I mean, it hadn’t been that long since he and Alexis Rivers had broken up. Maybe he was still thinking about things, and I didn’t want to pressure him. And if he truly still loved me, Pete would surely make the move, not me.

But being friends with him at the moment was enough for me.

Pete and I communicated on a daily basis. I would be checking my e-mail inbox from time to time just to make sure if he had sent me a message or something and so that I wouldn’t miss any of them. I loved talking with him, even though we just keep in touch with each other virtually, and it was way better than not talking with him when I was still in Chicago.

The problem was that I wasn’t really sure if we had gotten back together officially. I mean, we were acting as if we were back to being lovers or something. With all those e-mails and plans of meeting up again in the near future… Was that the real meaning behind all these messages that we had sent back and forth to each other? Was that what was meant with all the rather lengthy e-mails about our daily lives just to update one another?

And please don’t get me started with the ‘I miss you’.

Honestly, I had no idea why I had included those words on that e-mail that I had sent him. I wasn’t sure if I had to feel sorry for putting that sentence or not, though. I could even vaguely remember typing those words—okay, that was a lie. But, seriously, maybe I had regretted typing those three words… a little.

On the other hand, Patrick and I were still best friends even after the confession that he had done. Nothing would ever break our friendship. I had known that guy for years – roughly a decade already – and I was sure that no other guy was quite like him. He was different. He was… real. Patrick never pretended to be someone else whenever he was around me, and never did he brag about his fame as the lead vocalist of an internationally-known band. He had never changed. He was exactly the same guy that I had known since we were in high school.

I was trying not to think too much about his revelation to me a few weeks ago – since I wasn’t really certain if him liking me as someone more than a friend would ruin our friendship – and had tried not to bring up that topic whenever he would send me e-mails. I just tried to pointedly ignore it. I hoped that Patrick would understand why I was doing that. I didn’t want to hurt him by saying something stupid—something that he might not want to hear. I had the tendency to do such things, so I was just making sure.

I loved Patrick, but probably not the same way as I loved Pete. And I didn’t want our friendship to be placed into mortal peril. I cared about our more-than-a-decade friendship so much.