You're Not Even Mine to Miss [Fall Out Boy - Wattys 2014]

➽ Track Thirty-two (Patrick's POV).

Track Thirty-two (Patrick’s POV): Isn’t it messed up how I’m just dying to be him?

(July 2nd, 2008)

Sighing to myself for the umpteenth time that day, I turned my head to the calendar that was pinned on the other side of the wall as I settled comfortably on one of the couches in the lobby of the hotel that we were in, tucking my feet underneath my other leg. I found out that it was already July 2nd, and I realized that I didn’t have much time left in England.

We only had two more days left in England before we would be flying back to Chicago to start preparing for the album recording that would be happening in California and to celebrate for America’s Independence Day. That meant that I only had two more days left to savour the presence of London McKenzie around… but I knew that I shouldn’t be doing that.

After admitting to Pete Wentz about my real feelings for Donnie, I was sure that I had to back off from the two of them for a while, so I decided to discreetly avoid her and Pete for me to think over about a lot of things that were happening inside my head. So instead, during the past few days, I tried to fixate myself to my girlfriend and to the band, but the face that Pete had showed me on the night of my confession was still haunting me, as if poking me just to grab my attention.

That was why I was staying in the lobby for the meantime to think about everything thoroughly, and knowing that if I would go back to the hotel room, the couple might be hanging-out by the hallway, and I wasn’t sure what I could do and how I would react if ever I would see them holding hands or making-out or doing something sickeningly sweet in public. And, for sure, Joe and Andy would be asking me what the hell my problem towards them was after noticing my sudden shift of mood, and I also wasn’t sure if RJ’s presence would actually help me.

When I had finished telling him all about it, he really looked… shocked, with wide eyes and slightly parted lips. Of course, it was fairly reasonable for him to react that way. I mean, who wouldn’t be so shocked after knowing that your best friend – the man to whom you had entrusted your whole life – was smitten and crazy about your girlfriend for more than a decade already?

If people knew about our little love triangle, for sure, they would all be thinking that it was a cliché kind of situation already, but seriously, it wasn’t easy to be part of the story, especially because I wasn’t supposed to be part of the pretty picture of Pete and Donnie’s relationship. The so-called love triangle that we were sharing, for one, was supposedly non-existent due to the fact that I had a girlfriend already, and Donnie and Pete were two of my closest friends. Second, I didn’t want to hurt the two of them, including RJ, especially because they were all very important to me, and interfering with someone else’s relationship was the last thing that I wanted to do. I wasn’t raised that way.

I was happy being in a relationship with RJ, but I just wasn’t sure what was up with me whenever London McKenzie was around. Sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach and barely-heard, stammered out sentences had always happened to me every time Donnie and I would speak in person, and I knew that I shouldn’t feel that way. She was already taken by my best friend, and I was dating Rachelle Daniels. I wasn’t allowed to get attracted to Donnie anymore.

‘But why is it so difficult to move on from her?’ I asked myself, slapping my hand on my forehead. ‘Come on, Patrick Stump. Donnie is happy with Pete, and you’re happy with RJ now. Just get that into your head.’

I was very willing to oblige to what my brain was telling me to do, but I just couldn’t help it… I was dying to be Pete Wentz for at least one whole day. And I knew how fucking messed up that was.