You're Not Even Mine to Miss [Fall Out Boy - Wattys 2014]

➽ Track Nineteen (Patrick's POV).

Track Nineteen (Patrick’s POV): I said I loved you, but I lied.

(June 1st, 2008)

A new month had begun.

I was hoping that June would bring me better experiences and memories unlike what April and May had given me. Those two previous months were filled with drama and arguments and insecurities and unrequited love. I was ready to get over those unfortunate events, forget about them and leave them all behind me. I had a good feeling that June would be way better than April and May.

Too bad Donnie wasn’t around.

Donnie and I had been communicating with each other through e-mails and a few long-distance calls. She was starting to pick up the accent of the people where she was living in (I could recognize the strange British accent starting to cover her usual American accent), which I thought was actually pretty good. She told me that she was feeling a bit at home in England already unlike the first few days in the new country, and I was glad to find out that she had made new friends in there (which wasn’t much a surprise for me; I knew since high school that she was the friendliest and most approachable person ever).

About a week ago, James announced that he was planning to bring us to England for a show, but he said that he wasn’t sure when. I was really excited after hearing the news, even if the details weren’t that clear and we weren’t even sure if we would actually be going to fly there yet, because I was really looking forward to see Donnie again. I had immediately told her all about it after the announcement, and I was glad that she was also excited to see me and the rest of the band again.

It may have been for barely two weeks of not seeing her, but for me, it felt as if she was gone for years.

Okay, that was really cheesy and corny to admit, but whatever.

To be honest, it was kind of difficult to move on from Donnie. After the whole confession thing that I had done – where she had just ran away from me and the naked truth and everything – and after me swallowing my pride and spilling out the guts that I had left, I knew that I had to forget about what I truly felt for London McKenzie. It was already clear to me: she didn’t want me. She wouldn’t have done that if she had felt the same way for me. Even if it was painful for me to tell myself that and to accept the cold and harsh truth, I had to.

But, it was really difficult.

Fall Out Boy had a huge piece of my focus and attention after the incident. We had managed to edit songs and compose rhythms to complete the whole album, and we were actually almost finished with it except for some songs that weren’t done yet, the actual rehearsals and recording of the songs. Pete, Andy and Joe had always made me laugh, had hung-out with me all the time in my apartment and had talked about our happiness and sorrows, but every time they would all leave me after the day, every time I was alone, every time that I was lying awake on my bed before I would – and could – get some sleep, I had always thought about that day.

Only did I know that being a dumpee by someone you had really loved for a long time (specifically a decade plus) would haunt you for the rest of your life. If I just knew that that would be my case, I would’ve tried to love somebody else aside from Donnie. But I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t love anybody as much as I had loved my best friend.

She was everything to me.

With Donnie in England, I had tried to put half of my attention to the band and the album, and half to RJ Daniels – the girl who everybody thought I was dating. I wasn’t sure anymore, though. We had been eating lunch or dinner together almost all of the time and going around Chicago together, but I had never thought about her being my girlfriend. I hadn’t asked her out properly even. And I also wasn’t sure if I had to call all those dinners and walks as our “dates”.