Last One Standing ~ TWD Daryl Dixon

169

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Jo

I would never forget the looks on their faces when I told them; when my words made it real. It seemed impossible for me to say all the words that needed to be said without breaking down myself. It was still too close to feel real and I somehow managed to say the words in a calm, low voice. Carol understood first. When the words came, she covered her mouth with her hand as unshed tears filled her eyes.

Tara seemed to realize what we were discussing and she quickly ushered the survivors of Alexandria away, giving us at least the illusion of privacy. Tara cast one last sad look at me over her shoulder, her eyes filled with sympathy. I nodded to her in thanks. We didn't need an audience for this.

I turned back to the women in front of me and drew in a deep breath. I needed to finish saying the words. Maggie and Enid looked back and forth in confusion. They didn't understand yet and it was going to be my words that changed that.

It felt like someone else was saying the words, someone with more control than I could possibly have in this situation. Maggie started crying before I finished. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks but her eyes hardened with resolve. Maggie was stronger than most people gave her credit for.

I was almost done. It only took a handful more words before Enid understood. She let out a wail and collapsed forward. Maggie jumped forward and caught her before she could hit the ground. Maggie wrapped her arms around the teenager's shoulders and held her as she cried.

I stood where I was, staring down at them feeling incredibly detached. I didn't want to be here. All I wanted was to run and hide from the truth of what had happened. I shifted my weight uncomfortably. I turned to go, but Carol stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. I stiffened, but didn't pull away as she hugged me.

"Thank you," she whispered into my hair. As if I had done something. All I had done was fail to keep him safe, fail to keep him alive. I failed him. I failed everyone.

I had been holding it together before she touched me. Now I felt the swell of emotions rise in my chest and I was helpless to control them. Pain and sorrow and guilt. The force of them threatened to choke me. I needed to get out of here. I looked towards the house where Daryl had disappeared with Judith and wanted nothing more than to follow after them. There was peace there and I desperately wanted that.

"Are you okay?" Maggie asked, looking up at me from where she was holding a sobbing Enid.

I was hurt and tired and the tears were closer than I thought. I sank my teeth into my lower lip and nodded stiffly. I didn't trust my voice. If I spoke I would start crying. I just wanted to get away. I turned away from the pitying eyes of Carol and Maggie. I stiffened when I saw Siddiq frozen behind us. His gaze was locked on Enid, tears pooled in his eyes.

I didn't know him very well, but the guilt he felt over Carl's death was there for anyone who cared to look. When he met my gaze he looked away and hurried after Tara and the rest of the group. I fled from the others and stopped beneath one of the large old trees that shaded Hilltop.

My breath was coming faster than it should; my pulse pounding in my ears. I wasn't in control. I tightened my hands into fists and fought to regain control of my body. We were safe for now. Hilltop was safe. They had lookouts. They had a fence. No matter how many times I told myself we were safe I couldn't shake the feeling that my skin was crawling. I needed to be out there, doing something. I rotated my neck and let out a shuddering breath.