Letting Go

chapter 8

It's been two weeks after the funeral, I spent most of my time locked up in my room or at Mo's house. Mum tried to make me talk to her about how I'm feeling, but to no avail, dad even suggested I see a therapist or something and I denied. I know they are worried but I don't want to talk, I feel drained and most importantly I hate the pity looks they give me.

Things got worse when Liam left for Italy a week after the funeral. I isolated myself from everyone except Mo and Sam, they are the only people I spent most of my days with and sometimes Lisa joins us. Sam and I started a new tradition of watching movies twice a week, eating everything that isn't healthy, from candy, popcorn and chocolates.

When Mo doesn't feel like being alone, I go to her house for a swim, it depends on our mood really because other times we both don't want to talk so on days like that we listen to music in silence. It's never awkward silence, because we are going through the same thing trying to navigate our way forward without losing ourselves in the grief.

I hate that my family has to suffer because of my dull mood, I am even thinking of going to New York earlier than I had planned. Mum wants to talk about Lily all the time, she believes if she talks about him it will make my healing faster. Dad tried to tell her that every person's healing is different, but my mum won't have it, she wants me to get over it and stop whining "you are not the first person to lose a friend one, go make new friends and stop whining"

Those were the words that made me make a decision to go back to New York, it felt she had just slapped me. I couldn't believe that my own mother uttered such words. I know my family intentions are pure, but I hate how mum and dad want to tell me how long my grief should take and how to grief. I booked a flight that leaves on Thursday, which is two days from today.

I wake up around 10am as usual, both of my parents are out of the house by this time and I don't sleep much at night so I try my best to sleep when everyone is up and about. I get up and make my bed, when I am done I clean my room to give it some life, after tidying up my room I go to the  bathroom to brush my teeth and do my everyday routine.

When I'm done with bathing I walk over to my closet to take out grey yoga pants and one of Noah's shirt that I stole while they were here. I look at myself in the mirror and put my hair in a messy bun before going downstairs to see what I can eat.

I take my time since I know that mum and dad are not here to keep asking if I'm okay and don't need anything. I know they are worried but I hate their stares and questions. For some reason today I feel better than yesterday, I even prepare toast, eggs and sausages today instead of eating cereal. I pour some orange juice in a glass and take my food to the lounge.

These past days I often woke up with no appetite, but today I feel like I can eat a horse, that's how hungry I am. When I am done I wash my dishes then return to the lounge to see what I can watch to pass time. My free time is ruined by the front door opening, it's Sam.

He comes over to sit quietly next to me, if there is one thing I love about my younger brother is his patience and respect. He knows when to keep quiet and when it's his time to talk. He sits in silence and tries to watch the show I'm watching, after a few minutes Sam gets closer to me and gives me a hug.

"I'm here for you when you want to talk, even if it's to sit in silence and watch your stupid reality shows"

"Thank you sweet. You are right, this show is stupid, choose something that we can watch."
Sam is only 16, yet his understanding throws me off every time. I appreciate that he doesn't push me to talk about how I'm feeling.

.........................

I thought a lot about what Sam said  yesterday and I know he is right. They all want what is best for me, I won't lie that what mum said hurt me but I decided to eat supper with the family before leaving tomorrow. I came up with an idea to cook supper today and tell mum and dad about my decision to leave.

I prepared roasted chicken, boiled potatoes and Sam prepared two dishes of salads. As we were preparing supper I had two batches of chocolate muffins in the oven. The last time I baked this muffins everyone in the house couldn't keep eating them.

The kitchen is a mess I should have known that cooking with Sam was a mistake,it looked like a volcano erupted. It took me an hour to tidy the kitchen. I really hope this dinner goes according to plan, I don't like the tension has become a part of us since Lily's funeral.

After cleaning I rush upstairs to take a quick shower before dinner. Mum and dad will be home any minute now. When I'm done bathing and moisturizing my body I go to my closet and  took out a pair of shorts and N.Y. varsity shirt. I put my hair in a ponytail then go downstairs to set the table before they get home.

Sam comes over to help me set the table and just as we are admiring our work we hear the garage door opening. Dad comes in first and whistles looking at the table.

"Okay where are my children, because I sure don't recognize these two people standing in front of me." joked dad making me roll my eyes.
As much as I enjoy cooking I don't know when was the last time I cooked supper here at home, I usually just help mum with the chopping every now and then.

"What's going on, who cooked?" Mum smiles looking at the table.

"Well pumpkin decided to be the head chef today and I helped of course." Sam bows his head making me laugh.

"Please sit down, I know I have been distant towards all of you. The truth is I just want space to deal with everything that's going on and come to terms with Lily's death. I also think it's best I go back to New York tomorrow and please don't try to stop me." I say all in one breath.

I couldn't read the look on my parents'face, they just kept quiet for a few seconds before dad spoke up. "we know you are going through a lot pumpkin, but don't hesitate to call us or visit when you need us"

"If this is because of what I said the other day, I'm sorry." Mum hesitates before continuing. "I only want what's best for you and don't want to see you sad"

"Let's eat before the food gets cold." I say sitting down.

We continued to talk over dinner with mum and dad complimenting my cooking. Overall dinner was not as awful as I thought it would be. Both my parents didn't question me more about why I'm going back to New York anymore.

After dinner mum said she will clean up Sam and I shouldn't worry about it. We went to the living room play some board games and mum joined us after cleaning up. It was the first time since the funeral that I was spending time with my family. Mum and dad went to bed after they lost to Sam and I followed suit so I can pack.

Knock knock
I heard a knock at my door while I was brushing my teeth. I opened the door to find that it was dad knocking. I silently let him in and carried on with packing.

"What's up dad?"

"Its nothing I just miss when you were a little girl and still needed my advice that's all" I felt bad that my dad feels this way.

"I'm sorry dad-" He cuts me off before I could continue

"No pumpkin, don't apologize, I know your mum hurt you by what she said, but she just wants what's best for you." He pauses.

"Call us whenever you need anything, have a goodnight."
He kisses me on top of my head then leaves.

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Kikipee ❤️