Letting Go

chapter 44

For the first time in a long time I feel well rested when I wake up, almost like I managed to sleep through the entire night. What I don't understand though is the beeping in the room, why would something be beeping in my bedroom and it's not an alarm going off.

As I open my eyes the first thing I see are white walls and I know right away that I'm not home. The stench of bleach and what I would imagine as the smell of death clings to the room like second nature, I look to the left and there I see the beeping sound I was searching for, I'm hooked to hospital machines.

I don't know how long I have been here for, but sure feels like long. The last thing I remember is calling the ambulance, as to how they managed to get me here I have no idea, I hope they didn't have to break my door to get to me.

The thought of dying is scary, I have so much that I still want to do, but in all truth I thought I was dying as I lay on my apartment floor. It is scary seeing my body giving out on me like it did, my chest felt like there was an elephant sitting on top of me, blocking all the breath out of me.

As I was struggling to breathe, all I could think of was my shaky relationship with Mo and my parents. Then there was Hayden, I would have died with him believing that I don't love him. There was a part of me that relished in the idea of dying, it would numb my pain, all the nightmares would stop and I wouldn't live with guilt or resentment. It would be my way out of the predicament called life.

I may not have figured out my purpose in life, but who truly has? We are all thrown in the deep end here, without truly knowing what's more to life than just living and taking whatever life throws our way. I admire those people who know their life's purpose from onset, people such as Lily; she lived how she saw fit without any regrets, and took every punch life threw at her as she went.

For so long I have been feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up about things I have no control over. I have been surviving and not actually living, always asking myself what people would think, putting others first and letting others make decisions for me, when in actual fact, I should be living my life how I see fit.

I am about to sit upright when a nurse comes in, the smile on her face enough to make me feel better. It's clear as day that she loves what she does and I'm happy to be looked after by her already. There's something about her that reminds me of mum, must be the small wrinkles that around her eyes when she smiles.

"Sleeping beauty is finally awake, how are you feeling honey?" She beams coming closer to my bed.

'I feel fine thanks, may you please help me uplift the bed. My body is sore, feels like I have been sleeping for days.' I smile at her.

She smiles at me and presses a button on the left side of the bed and it lifts, letting me it upright. The smile on her face is infectious, I can't get enough of it.

"You have people waiting for you outside to see you, but before I can let them in let me get your doctor." She pats my pillow and goes out.

Must be Noah and Hailey.

........................

It only takes about a minute before nurse Annie returns with a man in green slacks and white doctor's coat. He is following behind the nurse, reading a chart and is yet to look at me. The glasses on his eyes make him seem older than he seems, when he finally looks at me, he takes off his glasses and approaches me and takes a seat next to my bed as he greets me.

"Hello Miss Thompson, I am Dr Woods. Nurse Annie here tells me you have people waiting for you so let's get right to it."

'Please call me Victoria.' I tell him looking anywhere, but at him.