Letting Go

chapter 38

The drive to Hayden's place is silent, my head filled with everything I just discovered tonight, and it's making my head spin. Noah's behaviour all these years start making sense, his hostility towards mum and Paul. I remember how he reacted the first time I asked Paul if I can call him dad, I was ten years at the time.

For years during my childhood, I woke up sweaty and crying because of a nightmare I couldn't run away from. I was aware that my dad passed away, and how he died, but could never remember being in that car that day. As I grew up I stopped having such nightmares, up until Lily's death, it unlocked nightmares I haven't had in years and still didn't make sense.

"Are you okay?" Sam breaks the silence in the car making me sigh.

"Okay, that's a stupid question. I thought you knew, I'm sorry."

'You have no reason to apologize Sam.'

"It's just, it feels like my fault." He says, his voice feeling dejected.

'What exactly did they say to you when they told you he is your dad?'

Sam was about three years old when mum and dad divorced, and a year later we moved to here to Orlando

"As you know they changed my last name when I was still pretty young, so when I was in grade 4 I think, I came across some of you guys past papers. So I asked mum why our last names were different and they sat me down and told me. They told wasn't your biological dad and that your dad died years ago."

"What I didn't know was that your dad thought I was his child, only just found out today."

'I am sorry you had to find out like that.'

"It's okay, you got delt the bad hand than I did."

I may have been delt the bad hand, but our parents' lies affected all of us. Noah had to grow up pretty fast, taking care of me and carrying all the load alone. I can't imagine how it feels knowing that your mum is mostly the reason for your family breaking. How do you continue seeing her as the person who used to wipe tears from your cheeks and kissed your injuries to make them better?

Sam discovered he is a product of infidelity, not that this makes me view him as such, and his identity was not  clear at birth with my dad thinking he is his son. I think out of the three of us he is the one who had an almost normal childhood.

Then there's me, I suffered for years due to my subconscious, trying to remind me of a past I couldn't piece together. Called a man who had a hand in my parents separating dad, I hate myself for it, but it's not like I can change the past. I'm not sure how to proceed from here, but I know that today's revelation will change so much for me.

"Don't you hate me?" Sam says as we are pulling up in front of Hade's home.

'How could I hate you Sam? This doesn't change that you are my brother and that I love you and never doubt that.'

"I guess you are right, even Noah hasn't mistreated me during the years though he knew the truth."

"Does Hayden know you are coming over?"

'No, I didn't think anything through then. Let me call him'

.............................

Hayden and I are in his room, he was surprised to see me at his house so late, but one look at me he knew that something was wrong. I haven't said anything since Sam dropped me off, and I appreciate it that Hade hasn't pushed me, he is letting me be.

He stands up and disappears in his bathroom, I hear the water running so I'm guessing he is preparing to shower. He returns after a few minutes and he holds his hand out waiting for me to take it and I do, following him in the bathroom.