Letting Go

chapter 40

Tori's outfit 👆🏽

It's a week after I left home and spoke to Mo, not to say I didn't try calling her or texting, but she ignores them. I went to her place yesterday and her roommate told me Mo wasn't home, I waited for her until she texted her roommate to say she wasn't coming home and that she will see her on Sunday.

I have been miserable without her, I even miss seeing her rummaging through my cupboards and fridge looking for chocolate and snacks. Being away from her gave me time to reflect on my friendship with Mo and she was right, I have been so up in my head I never asked her how she was. Yes it's hard to get through Mo, to get her to talk about her emotions, but I should have tried hard enough.

This week I spent it a work, Dr Pepper kept throwing curve balls my way all week, on Monday she assigned me to one of her biggest group counseling ever. I was not ready for it, my emotions were still flying high and I ended up not taking control of the session.

It was a group of people dealing with loss of their loved ones, one of them was a mother who lost her only child five years ago and when she talked of her, it was as though this just happened. One who broke my heart was a young women in her 20s, who lost both her parents to a fire two years ago. She said what hurt most was knowing that her parents were burnt alive in a scorching fire till they took their last breath.

I ended up crying along with patients and Dr Pepper had to come take over the session. She reprimanded me telling me how important it is to take control of my emotions during sessions and yes I should sympathies with them, but also try not to lose control. On Wednesday she took me to an inclusive high school in Manhattan, she volunteers there every Wednesday and counsels students, when we got back at the clinic all I wanted was to hide away in a corner and cry.

This week alone, she made me question myself if I am ready to psychologist, with patients of different natures and troubles. She called me to her office yesterday, and told me that the reason she was so hard on me was to show me the bad that comes with the job, and the importance of seeing a therapist once in a while.

"I know a broken person when I see one Victoria, when you came in here Monday morning the spark I often see in your eyes was gone. I don't know what happened over the weekend, but my advice as your supervisor is that you speak to someone. If you are going to survive in this industry, then you need to let others help you too to carry the weight on your shoulders." Was what she said before she let me go yesterday evening.

...........................

Hayden wanted to come over today, but I made an excuse saying I am going over at Noah's place, truth is I wanted to be alone this Saturday. I have been cooped up in bed reading a novel and thinking over Dr Pepper's words, I can't seem to get them out of my head.

It's midday when I decide it's time I get out of bed and to take a shower, I play music on my phone while I make my bed and let the sunshine into my room. I dance as I vacuum the entire apartment, dusting till everything in the entire place is spotless. By the time I am happy with how my home looks and smells I run to the bathroom, we can't have the apartment smelling and looking good while the owner looks like a hobo.

I blast the speakers in my room while I go shower, using my toothbrush as mic as I sing, and  hoping I won't fall on my face or hurt my vocal cords with how much I'm dancing and singing my lungs out. I get out of the shower after what feels like forever, even my skin has pruned. I wrap a towel around my body and hair, as I go to the bedroom to look for something to wear. I am feeling good about myself today so I choose a short romper.

I massage body lotion into my body, then hair dry my hair and wear my outfit for the day when I'm done. To finalize my look I put on some jewelry around my neck and wrist. I spray some perfume and put on lipstick and mascara. The weather is warm today so my outfit is perfect, on my way out of the room I take my straw bag and hat.

I am about to go out of my apartment when I hear a knock, I'm not expecting anyone today and wonder who it could be. I walk to the door and find my brother leaning against the wall. I haven't spoken to Noah since I arrived in New York, I only texted Hailey to let them know of my whereabouts.

"Going somewhere pumpkin?"

'What are you doing here? I thought we agreed that you should call before showing up.'

"If I had called would you have answered?" He asks looking at the floor.

'We will never know because you didn't, I'm going shopping, you can come with me or stay here till I get back.'

"Are you sure? I thought you would kick me out."

'What's the use? It's not like it's your fault that she did all that she did. Are you coming along?' I ask him getting impatient.

"Will we get lunch while shopping?"

'Yes Noah! Let's go before I leave you here.'

Noah follows behind me like a lost puppy, he stay silent till we get to the parking basement, arguing that we should take his car instead of mine. To safe time I agree and let him drive us to the mall.

"Have you talked to them?"

'Who?' I play along.

"You know who, your parents."

'So now they are my parents? To answer your questions, no I haven't talked to them. Paul tried calling and mother dearest hasn't called.'

Noah nods his head and keeps quiet, lost in his head and probably thinking about the situation. We drive in silence till we reach the mall, we both agree to go to McDonald and eat first then shop after. It's full of people, but we manage to find an empty booth at the far end.

"Vicky, I'm sorry for not telling you everything. All I wanted was to protect you, but never to lie to you."

'I understand Noah, I don't blame you for not telling me. I just wish you didn't have to witness everything that you did and carry the load on your own.'

Just as Noah is about to carry on, our waitress brings our orders and we eat our burgers and chips, postponing our conversation. As we eat I look at Noah and see how tired he looks, the eye bags under his eyes are a clear sign that he hasn't slept well in days.

'Are you okay, you don't look well?'

"I'm okay now."

'Noah, I wouldn't get angry with you because of not telling me about mum and Paul. That was never your cross to carry.'

"When you left home last week, I thought it was because you painted me with the same brush as them."

Noah's words are like a stab to my chest, I only left home because in true honesty it wasn't my home anymore. I didn't think of how my actions affected him, especially seeing as I never told him where I was going or if I was okay.

'You know you will always be me hero and big brother, how could I hate you. I still love you, you idiot.' I say punching his arm lightly.

"I love you too stelina." Little star

No one has called me little star in over a decade, only dad called me little star and after he died and moved no one ever did. The ceiling in my childhood room used to have stars, during the night they would shine and brighten my room.

'No one has ever called me that in years.' I say through tears.

"How about we go visit dad's grave this coming weekend?"

'I love that.'

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