Save Me From Myself|Calum Hood FanFiction

Chapter Twelve|Love,Honesty,Respect and Truth

I pretended like I didn't care that we had just had a fight. I pretended that I didn't notice at how angry Calum looked. I pretended like I didn't sound like an ungreatful bitch when I told him he was just a stranger to me. I pretended he never punched his fist on the table so angrily. I pretended that he didn't tell me I had got worse and repayed him with nothing. But it was all true, how could I pretened nothing happened? It hurts so much when you argue with someone that means the world to you. It hurts so much when you just can't cry in front of them when they look so angry, scared that they'll just laugh or think your pathetic. It hurts so much when you realise that you were the one in the wrong the whole time and that you do need to get help and be honest with someone you love. My Dad once told me something very wise when I was younger, I remembered it since then.

There are four very important words in life; love, honesty, respect and truth. Without these in your life, you have nothing.

I never really understood what he meant when I was eleven, but I've remembered it since then. He was right. Honesty. Truth. I need to be honest with Calum, tell him that my parents have no idea, tell him the truth, tell him everything and be honest and truthful about it. He was right when he said I repayed him with nothing, he helped me so much, always by my side and never leaving through it all, I gave him nothing in return. I almost didn't even tell him I loved him. I just kept cutting, kept having bad thoughts, sometimes I felt better but I never actually told him that. I had never told him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. Love and respect. Thats all I had to do. I could of told him how he was my world and how just thinking of him puts an instant smile on my face, but I didn't.

I started clearing up the kitchen, wiping the surface clean of our flour fight, scrubbing off the burnt bacon from the grill and putting back all the ingrediants I had ordered Calum to get out for pancakes. My thoughts were all Calum. Calum this, Calum that. I was stuck in this rut of crazy stupid love, and I never want to get out.

I flumped down on the sofa, switching on the telly as I stared out of the window, the grey fog misting up the view. You couldn't see the trees or the road, you couldn't even see the green fields that stretched afar. Everything was so cloudy. Just like my mind. I so wished that Calum would suddenly run up the drive, sweat and tears falling from his squishy face, coming back to remind me that he was never leaving ever again and he would kiss me intensely, making me tingle like all the other times he kisses me. But he didn't. And he wasn't going to. It was always him who did everything. Its always him cuddling me or wrapping his arms around my waist. Its always him cheering me up, making sure I'm okay. Its always him running back and making everything better. When have I ever cuddled him first? When have I ever cheered him up, I've never made sure he's okay! He could have a war in his mind, but I'm never there to make sure that there isn't! When have I ever gone running back to him and made everything better? I never have. I never do anything for him.

I started to cry gently, rocking myself back and forth while an interview with a bunch of Australian guys went on. I didn't bother to look up, I just held my knees up to my chest with my wet and teary faced burrowed and hidden.

"Yeah, we're looking forward to seeing what else happens in the future for us!", Calum spoke.

My head jolted up as I grabbed the TV remote and turning the volume up.

"I've been really busy with other stuff recently, thats been holding me down, so I haven't really spent much time with the lads in like a week. So it should be really good to go on tour for half the year and just be with them."

Ashton looked down when Calum mentioned 'been holding me down'. He knew he meant me. Calum acted like it was nothing, that this 'stuff thats been holding him down' was nothing. Just a piece of shit that now he was done with, he's moved on. He also spoke about not being with the lads. I never told him to stay! He could do what he wanted. Though, deep down I knew he couldn't leave me on my own and I didn't really blame him. I had stopped him from being with his friends, what kind of girlfriend am I? All these problems holding him down! My thoughts stopped when I realised Calum had said they'd be going on tour for half a year. Half a year. Half a year. The three words echoed in my mind. He would be gone for half a year. I wouldn't have anyone for half a year.