can i lay by your side|corbyn besson

28

I turn on my back as I lie in bed, waiting for sleep. I thought a long nap would help my train of thought from ramming into my head.

I haven't been paying attention to anything the boys have been saying today and I just can't focus on anything. As soon as I close my eyes, they fly back open and I'm left awake for a while. I groan and slide my legs off of my bed.

I just sit here for a moment and look over to my guitar. My thoughts instantly stop and all I can think about is playing it. Since I moved in, I haven't used my acoustic too much. I didn't even have it while we were tour.

Before I know it, I have my hand on the neck of the guitar and I find my camera from the closet.

I set the camera on our dresser and play a few chords and tunes before turning it on.

It's been forever since I had posted a cover on YouTube. Of course, we put out I Don't Want You Back But it just didn't feel... right.

My music is heavier, more rock 'n roll. My covers were never pop. There's a song I did always love though that is a perfect break up song. I don't bother with an intro and go straight into the song.

As I play the final strum, I feel a weight lifted off me.

The boys were right, I did need a good breakup song. They just didn't pick the right one for me.

Black Ink Revenge by Automatic Loveletter portrays the raw emotions. Anger, confusion, pain, regret, it is reminiscent and just makes me think of everything that had happened in my past relationship.

I think over everything as I turn off the camera and continue to transfer it onto my laptop. Once I edit the video, I put it up on my channel and close my laptop.

Finally, I rest my head on my pillow and just lay down on my bed. I close my eyes but I don't want to sleep. I never want to sleep.

I like staying up and reading or listening to music while I overthink.

I'll sleep when I want to but that's rare. The boys always ask how I have so much energy without sleeping. Jonah thinks I secretly drink all his coffee while they're asleep and that's where I get my energy. Seriously, he's threatened to put up security cameras to make sure I don't Still it.

But as crazy and dumb as it sounds, not sleeping gives me more energy. Waking up is painful and puts me in a grumpy mood that I don't like to put the boys through.

I stare up at the ceiling, putting an arm under my head.

What are my thoughts on Aaron?

I spent two days in Alhambra and I don't know if it was to clear my thoughts... or to intensify them.

Going back to drugs was stupid. I've never been addicted and honestly have no desire to do them again. They made me feel useless.

I was brought back to when the robber broke in. He called me names and underestimated me as a small girl. Even if I fought back, he still hurt my stupid self-image.

They made me think back to my mom and dad. How they would argue and argue until he hit her. I remember my mom's cries as my dad slapped her across the face. I remember her wincing in pain or fear. I remember when she would com rip to my room not too much later and tuck me in. My mom was a strong woman. Not for hiding her emotions, but for embracing than and finally standing up for herself an me.

I was brought back to my old band. When we were booed off stage because the audience wanted the main act. Being called names I couldn't even begin to name. Having countless people tell me that I'll never be anything or go anywhere.

Drugs made me resent myself. I wanted to hurt myself. I want to hurt myself now. I didn't realize that tears were streaming down my face.

I had been thinking for so long, it was dark now. How pathetic must I be, crying in the dark as I think about my dumb life. It hasn't even been bad, I'm just whining. These thoughts make me cry more and I just want it to stop. My eyelids begin to fall though. I tell myself to stay awake but my body disobeys.

Think of the boys.

Jonah and his overprotective, motherly character. His quick wit, pleasant humor and overall genuine self make him such a positive person to be around.

Zach, my child. Although thoughtless at times, he never fails to bring me happiness in different ways. He'll always be my baby boy... even if he's still taller than me😑

Daniel's talented but humble self. He's patient and never judges you, even when he knows he could probably do better.

Jack's silly ways. God, that boy makes me laugh more than anyone or anything. I can truly say he's my best friend.

And then Corbyn, my lil beanie. I don't play favorites but Corbyn just makes me feel different. It feels like even I simple smile could make me happy. He's my light.

I repeat my mantra of the boys as I slowly fall under the influence of my worst enemy. They make me so happy and I realize that my life would never be the same if they hadn't taken me in and taken a chance on me. Soon, my tears of sadness turn to tears or joy and I find myself looking into the dark abyss behind my eyelids.