Diana: 4 months in the UK

(30)

Song of the chapter: Ugly Heart by G.R.L.

I listen to every detail Jak speaks and I don't know what to think. 

Is this really the type of person who has my heart? Is this the person who made my heart race that night of the party? Is this the same person who woke up with me at 5am every morning and would sit outside with me in the cold? Is this really a person who I thought was an angel who is turning into the opposite the more people talk? Is this the real Michael Clifford? 

I find myself letting out some pity tears for myself. Of course it is. Of course this is the person who would do anything to get what he wants. Of course this is not the same person I have come to know so well for the past week or so. Of course this is the person who has a devilish smile and piercing green eyes. Of course this is Michael Clifford. 

The noise of Jak's voice has come to a stop and silence lingers in the air. This is when I realize properly that Michael Clifford isn't who I thought he was. He really wasn't the person I had imagined in my mind; the type who shows you his better half and locks away his destroyed one for everyone else to see. 

I feel the tears roll off my cheeks quick like a wheel rolling down a hill. I can't control this feeling or the way I am reacting because I just don't want to believe it. But the reality of it is that is that it is true and I need to face it, no matter how much I don't want to. 

I am lost in my sorrows for the third time today as a cool hand comforts me at my side. It is Jak. He smiles weakly and stays silent. No words, no pity talk, no questioning. Just silence. He allows me to cry my heart out with all my mixed emotions. 

I feel myself let go of all the stress from the past week. Falling for someone who I really didn't know, missing my family back home, my jumbled feelings towards Calum everything. It all comes out in the form of tears. I bury my face into my hands and rest my head onto the cushioned bed of Jak's. He sits on his bed, his hand still placed on my body and continues to rub up and down my shoulder area. 

I lose myself in my thoughts of how stupid I was to be with someone so violent. My thoughts backtrack to Mitchell and how Michael seems to mirror some of his aspects. I can't be with someone who is so violent to someone innocent like Jak. What if he were to hurt me like Jak? What if I were in Jak's place instead? What if, what if, what if? The questions swirl around in my head like water going down a toilet and I feel a headache coming on. 

I raise my head back up to Jak who has one hand on my shoulder and the other holding If I Stay. 

"You couldn't help yourself." I laugh, ignoring my recent breakdown. 

"It's just such a great book!" He claims and I give him that one because Gayle Forman is an amazing author who has a way with words. 

"Can I ask you one more thing?" 

"Of course." He puts the book down and gives me his full attention. 

"Did.. Did he do anything else to you?" Jak ponders about with the question and stares off into space before answering. 

"Do you really want to know?" He raises his eyebrows at me and I feel goosebumps rise. Do I really want to know? Do I want to know if he really is this two-faced person instead of a clean, cut, white teethed teen? I go with my gut and nod. 

"Well after the party he wouldn't leave me alone. He would always show up at my classes before me, always having an evil smile on his face. Some days he would leave me alone but others weren't the case. He would be in such a violent mood; he pushed me down the stares when I would stay after school for Art, he shoved me into the girls bathroom, shirtless may I add. What else.. oh, he would treat me like his punching bag. Like infinite punches everyday, all over my body." He pauses to show me his battle scars. I gasp in horror.